thoughts

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have somebody who texted first

who would enjoy my texts however long they were

who would care when i’m sad

but i’ve just given up hope

it’s like i made up my mind before i even knew it

no silly crush is ever worth it

no bracelet made out of boredom should ever be delivered

never

my heart belongs to the winds

the calling of nature

the things i bury myself in

my art

my writing

the problem is that my heart can’t decide where to stay

where to choose

who to choose

i’ve never truly kissed someone

i could say i have

but that’s a lie

never had friends who care about if their hair is brushed

never not had a toxic relationship with friends

never not been manipulated

never not been forgotten

i’ve been left in the dust because i was trying to be nice

i’ve made friends who had a new friend to me an old friend to them arrive home

so suddenly my friend has become a bitch

one who i know whispers behind my back

and i will forever be known as the cry baby

and everyone’s coddling me now

but soon enough they’ll think it’s all a coy for more attention

i try so hard to stop

to be strong enough for them

to hold myself together

but i always turn back into the blabbering mess i’ve been since the moment i was born

that is why i don’t think anyone will love me

why no one will be willing to know every detail

to stay with me as i cry

if i do find that person

i hope they know that i care for them

even if it seems like i’m the one crying

i won’t love them any less