What am I running for?

The silence rings in my ears
Too heavy to hold.

This might’ve been the only time in my life
When I was truly and completely 
In the moment.

When anything outside of now
Seemed too irrelevant to comprehend,
When my heart was only focused on one thing.

The first few moments were a blur,
And then I settled into now
In a way I never had before.

She was passing me,
I heard the sound of her laughter
Her footsteps 
Closer to yours than my own.

Auburn hair flying behind her shoulders,
Almost daring me to catch her.

That was the point of make or break.
I was exhausted enough that I could settle
Letting defeat sink into my bones,
Surrendering to the fading of what could’ve been.
Not trying to do everything possible
In that last moment.

I set my mind on picking it up
Surprising myself when I could.
I had nothing left 
But somehow I kept giving more.

My hands were shaking.
The looming threat of her beating me was a recurring nightmare.
In that nightmare you had already let go of what could’ve been.

Leaving me with nothing to chase.
If I kept running I wouldn’t have to face it.
What am I running for?