Recently, a friend received an email promising them three wishes granted, in return for their social security number. Naturally, we all are thinking, ‘who would fall for that?’ The answer, unfortunately, is my dear delusional friend who is currently in the hospital.
If you ever get an email or letter promising you three wishes, it’s likely you’re dealing with a genie. These tricky immortals, known also as djinn and jinn, plague society with their promises.
You cannot trust them. They keep their word, sure, but any individual who hasn’t spent years planning what to wish for and researching the risks will be easily taken advantage of. Even a simple wish can be a death sentence. For example, you may wish for forty-million bucks. Simple enough, until you’ve got a whole lot of angry deer crammed in your apartment with you.
Maybe you think you’re smart enough to avoid that. You say, and don’t read this next part out loud, ‘I wish for forty-million US dollars.’ Well, you’ve avoided getting pink dollars, but you’ve still not been specific enough. Those dollars may be locked away in some safe somewhere, your name on them, but you don’t have the key. Or maybe, they’re in your hand, and the police are on your tail. That money had to have come from somewhere, right?
Don’t trust genies, or you may go to jail as a master criminal.
Genies will get you at every wish. You wish for your worst enemy to die? Well, they’ll die eventually, so the genie isn’t going to do anything. Or, if you want them to die instantaneously, you’d better have a good lawyer, because you’ve just hired a hitman. They die instantaneously from natural causes? So does half the city, yourself included. Turns out there was some real nasty e coli in the water.
You wish someone would fall in love with you? They will, and they’ll bury your organs deep inside themselves so that you’ll never be apart. You wish you had a different nose? So it was you who was going around cutting people’s noses right off their faces? You wish you were instantly good at a skill? Your new rival has you assassinated so that they remain the best at that skill. What if you could travel somewhere instantly? Have fun appearing in a wall and suffocating. You wish for a lifetime supply of something? You only need one, you’ll die the next second in some freak accident. Don’t ever wish for raspberry crowns either, for while they are a delicious pasty, they are also a species of wasps, Stacy. Wasps.
Another recent genie incident happened over in Timbuktu. A young man tried to destroy a genie who had granted his father’s wishes.
According to an anonymous witness, Johnothy Timberland’s wishes went:
1) “I wish you would do the opposite of my next wish.”
2) “I wish you wouldn’t fulfill my third wish.”
3) “I wish you would ignore my first wish.”
The genie promptly caused the man to explode. When questioned, the genie has reasoned that the only way to please Timberland was to send him to an alternate universe where those wishes could be completed.
The entire ordeal has served as a great reminder that you cannot defeat a genie. I don’t even want to think about what would happen if you wished that genies would all cease to exist.
Just don’t deal with genies. Don’t open the letter, don’t open the email, don’t go to that shady shop on the corner of Main and 5th. Don’t.
If you ever get an email or letter promising you three wishes, it’s likely you’re dealing with a genie. These tricky immortals, known also as djinn and jinn, plague society with their promises.
You cannot trust them. They keep their word, sure, but any individual who hasn’t spent years planning what to wish for and researching the risks will be easily taken advantage of. Even a simple wish can be a death sentence. For example, you may wish for forty-million bucks. Simple enough, until you’ve got a whole lot of angry deer crammed in your apartment with you.
Maybe you think you’re smart enough to avoid that. You say, and don’t read this next part out loud, ‘I wish for forty-million US dollars.’ Well, you’ve avoided getting pink dollars, but you’ve still not been specific enough. Those dollars may be locked away in some safe somewhere, your name on them, but you don’t have the key. Or maybe, they’re in your hand, and the police are on your tail. That money had to have come from somewhere, right?
Don’t trust genies, or you may go to jail as a master criminal.
Genies will get you at every wish. You wish for your worst enemy to die? Well, they’ll die eventually, so the genie isn’t going to do anything. Or, if you want them to die instantaneously, you’d better have a good lawyer, because you’ve just hired a hitman. They die instantaneously from natural causes? So does half the city, yourself included. Turns out there was some real nasty e coli in the water.
You wish someone would fall in love with you? They will, and they’ll bury your organs deep inside themselves so that you’ll never be apart. You wish you had a different nose? So it was you who was going around cutting people’s noses right off their faces? You wish you were instantly good at a skill? Your new rival has you assassinated so that they remain the best at that skill. What if you could travel somewhere instantly? Have fun appearing in a wall and suffocating. You wish for a lifetime supply of something? You only need one, you’ll die the next second in some freak accident. Don’t ever wish for raspberry crowns either, for while they are a delicious pasty, they are also a species of wasps, Stacy. Wasps.
Another recent genie incident happened over in Timbuktu. A young man tried to destroy a genie who had granted his father’s wishes.
According to an anonymous witness, Johnothy Timberland’s wishes went:
1) “I wish you would do the opposite of my next wish.”
2) “I wish you wouldn’t fulfill my third wish.”
3) “I wish you would ignore my first wish.”
The genie promptly caused the man to explode. When questioned, the genie has reasoned that the only way to please Timberland was to send him to an alternate universe where those wishes could be completed.
The entire ordeal has served as a great reminder that you cannot defeat a genie. I don’t even want to think about what would happen if you wished that genies would all cease to exist.
Just don’t deal with genies. Don’t open the letter, don’t open the email, don’t go to that shady shop on the corner of Main and 5th. Don’t.
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