supposedly

i love you more than i planned,
i think to myself late at night as i
stare into nothingness for hours on end.

i let you hold me for longer than
you were supposed to, and sometimes,
it hurts so bad that i lock myself in a cage
and swallow the key.

you felt like rain and sore throats,
walking out of the grey to the pavement
in silence because i was mad,
we were always mad.

you felt like smiles and shaking legs
because “i’m here for you” never meant
much anyway, did it?

you felt like soft hands and hungry stomachs,
you’re eyes knowing the words i was
planning to speak at 12:06pm every day,
my nimble fingers interlocking with yours.

you felt like screaming, i was
always screaming because you always
messed it up and i never knew how 
to let things go, and yet we claimed we
were made for eachother.

you wanted to run away from
the monsters and i wanted ignore them,
and we learned that those two things
were never the same.

you wanted to stay angry, 
you never let me try to help,
you never wanted to admit that
you didn’t know who you were, either.

so i cried

(in my room)

and you screamed

(in your head)

and we let ourselves
fall apart.