What if

Spinning 
swirling 
thinking 
All of the thoughts stuck 
Sudenly they all just spill out 
I had word and question vomit 
What if things had went perfect 
what of I'd never lost her 
What If I'd never found myself
What if the world didn't fight with me 
What if it wasn't aginst me 
What if we'd never met 
Realizing I'd let all those slip I quickly shut up 
zipping my mouth 
The questions could fill my head 
I knew to well that I had to many but I didn't care 
But what iff
NO 
there isn't going to be anymore what-ifs 
They pile to the roof 
then break through
they pile as high as the sky 
Sudenly thoughts kept me up at night 
sudenly people told me I was distant 
Sudenly things started again 
things started spinning again 
this time it felt like it was the whole world 
then sudenly it all slipped up 
What if the world stayed perfect 
what if your world became perfect 
what if I still had them 
why was it him that had to go 
what if it was her insted 
why did they choose to target her 
why did all these thing have to happen 
what was the truth 
what were the lies 
what really happened 
where was the truth 
wait... 
dear mind, 
not all of those are what if questions now can you leave me alone?
signed, 
  the person who's head you're in 
I mean clearly my mind didn't care as long as they kept me up at night 
as lonng as I had a battle 
as long as I grew distant 
my brain didn't care what I went through as long as it could keeep coming up with questions 
Sometimes I wonder why 
why was there a war in my head 
why did I feel so sad
why did my head do this to me 
what was the real meaning behind these 
was I going crazy or something 
Oh here we go again with the constent stream of questions 
no 
I need to take a moment and look at myself in the mirror 
get myself togther 

am 
fine 

am 
going 
to 
be 
fine 
battles 
happen 

will 
win 
even 
if 
there 
is 
some 
long 
hard 
tears 
I continue to tell myself this over and over 

hold
my 
own 
power

am 
in 
charge 
here 
eventully my war stops 
things go back to normal 
the thoughts quiet down 
they get answers 
and everything was perfect 
but what if.. 
but what of I just came back 
I'll find a way to win 
What if you can't get an answer 
I'll find one 
what if- 
thats enough 
I am in controle 
I fight my own battles 
I am my own king 
I lead my own world not these stupid thoughts 
sure even the most perfect people have deep thoughts 
have rough moments 
I often question 
whats gonna happen when me and my best friend meet paths again 
whats gonna happen when the world isn't mean
whats gonna happen when things are perfect 
what would happen if I became more open with the world 
I still get the questions 
what if they don't except me 
what if they don't like me 
what if they think I'm weird 
what if they try and cause another battle when I finish one and am still healing 
what if they don't except me for being who I am 
what if they don't like that I'm bisexual 
what if they don't like how I dress 
I take note most of these go around people 
do I really care that much
it takes a lot to win a war 
and it's even harder when it's against yourself 
I finally know how George Washington felt 
the wait for the battle to be over isn't easy but it earns you a prize 
I might need extra people and that's okay, they're not my soligers though they're my friends that stand by my side and will stick with me 
some die and done give up and leave 
but in the end I will choose my own battle 
I will chose how I want it to roll and how I want it to play 
but the question will always be what if 










Authors Note:
So this is a poem I wrote when I was going through a very though time 
I was struggling with my mental health and lost a lot of people 
but I made it out and so can you. 

Kellin Martin

MI

17 years old

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