Spinning
swirling
thinking
All of the thoughts stuck
Sudenly they all just spill out
I had word and question vomit
What if things had went perfect
what of I'd never lost her
What If I'd never found myself
What if the world didn't fight with me
What if it wasn't aginst me
What if we'd never met
Realizing I'd let all those slip I quickly shut up
zipping my mouth
The questions could fill my head
I knew to well that I had to many but I didn't care
But what iff
NO
there isn't going to be anymore what-ifs
They pile to the roof
then break through
they pile as high as the sky
Sudenly thoughts kept me up at night
sudenly people told me I was distant
Sudenly things started again
things started spinning again
this time it felt like it was the whole world
then sudenly it all slipped up
What if the world stayed perfect
what if your world became perfect
what if I still had them
why was it him that had to go
what if it was her insted
why did they choose to target her
why did all these thing have to happen
what was the truth
what were the lies
what really happened
where was the truth
wait...
dear mind,
not all of those are what if questions now can you leave me alone?
signed,
the person who's head you're in
I mean clearly my mind didn't care as long as they kept me up at night
as lonng as I had a battle
as long as I grew distant
my brain didn't care what I went through as long as it could keeep coming up with questions
Sometimes I wonder why
why was there a war in my head
why did I feel so sad
why did my head do this to me
what was the real meaning behind these
was I going crazy or something
Oh here we go again with the constent stream of questions
no
I need to take a moment and look at myself in the mirror
get myself togther
I
am
fine
I
am
going
to
be
fine
battles
happen
I
will
win
even
if
there
is
some
long
hard
tears
I continue to tell myself this over and over
I
hold
my
own
power
I
am
in
charge
here
eventully my war stops
things go back to normal
the thoughts quiet down
they get answers
and everything was perfect
but what if..
but what of I just came back
I'll find a way to win
What if you can't get an answer
I'll find one
what if-
thats enough
I am in controle
I fight my own battles
I am my own king
I lead my own world not these stupid thoughts
sure even the most perfect people have deep thoughts
have rough moments
I often question
whats gonna happen when me and my best friend meet paths again
whats gonna happen when the world isn't mean
whats gonna happen when things are perfect
what would happen if I became more open with the world
I still get the questions
what if they don't except me
what if they don't like me
what if they think I'm weird
what if they try and cause another battle when I finish one and am still healing
what if they don't except me for being who I am
what if they don't like that I'm bisexual
what if they don't like how I dress
I take note most of these go around people
do I really care that much
it takes a lot to win a war
and it's even harder when it's against yourself
I finally know how George Washington felt
the wait for the battle to be over isn't easy but it earns you a prize
I might need extra people and that's okay, they're not my soligers though they're my friends that stand by my side and will stick with me
some die and done give up and leave
but in the end I will choose my own battle
I will chose how I want it to roll and how I want it to play
but the question will always be what if
Authors Note:
So this is a poem I wrote when I was going through a very though time
I was struggling with my mental health and lost a lot of people
but I made it out and so can you.
What if
More by Kellin Martin
-
My life is like a blank canvas
Sometimes my life feels like a blank canvas
it has no color to it
its just black and white
the lines and dots don't add up to make a connect the dots picture
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