Unsteady Hands

My heart beats faster when I see you. 
My knees shake and I forget how to breathe.
How to talk.
Broken English.
Adrenaline pumping.
Finger guns.
Rosy cheeks.
Gasping for breath.
I don't know if I'm scared of you,
or
If I idolize you.
You're intimidating.
But so am I,
or at least that's what I've been told.
I'm fascinated by you.
Watching how you conduct things so smoothly.
You're so organized and punctual.
I hope to be that way someday.
I'm organized now,
or at least I think I am.
I have a planner.
I keep my meetings and events up to date.
I'm early for most things.
But I don't manage my time well.
I do everything the night before.
You'd think I would've learned by now.
I perform well under stress,
I guess that's why I do it.
You're level headed 
and have such patience.
I get frustrated when I can't do something right on the first try.  
And I get annoyed with people who don't move at my pace,
both mentally and physically.
I'm a hard worker,
I'm a perfectionist.
I don't half-ass things.
But I don't work well with other people.
I like to be a leader.
But my hands shake when I lead. 
And leaders don't have shaky hands.
I'm not sure how to fix my unsteady hands,
I just hope,
That one day
While I'm talking to crowds of people.
My hands won't shake.
And I won't stumble over my words.
I hope that one day I can be a steady leader.
Who doesn't shake.
Who is level headed,
and works well with others.
So I suppose,
I've answered my own question.
I idolize you.
But,
I'm also scared of you.
Scared of how long I might have to wait 
To be a steady-handed leader.

 
 

Gabby Chisamore

VT

YWP Alumni

More by Gabby Chisamore

  • Love Loved

    It's been almost a year now,
    Since I left you.
    And it's been one of the best years of my life. 
    I am a completely different person from who I was then.
    And I like it this way. 
    I'm sitting in my power now, 
  • Stake Your Claim

    'Open your heart to me'
    The words on the oracle card stare back at me
    as I sit in deafening silence. 

    "My heart is open to you"
    I whisper back to the card.

    Because it's true,
    my heart is open to you.
  • Unapologetically Queer

    Just as I thought I had everything about my sexuality figured out,
    you waltzed right in and turned everything upside down. 
    I thought I had finally found my label,
    finally figured out that I only liked women.