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Jan 22
poem 10 comments
Sarajaney

schizo

schizo 3.mp3
I wish I had known you
before the darkness crept in,
before the voices whispered,
before the demons lurked in every corner.

Kind, compassionate, caring,
all manner of “C” sounds to describe you then.
They describe you now still,
only changed,
only not.

It first manifested,
ceaseless, complex, cacophonic.
Your diary read, “I can’t take this,”
and you hit your mother with a wrench,
or so you thought.

Meal time was spent on the porch,
alone.
Inside the house, siblings laughed.
Inside your head, something laughed too.

Aunty took one look and said it,
a cruel, careless word,
the word of a trained nurse:
“Schizophrenia.”

Dad was scared to death.
You were 3 years older than he.
What if he caught the loony gene too?
Oh God, what if they all did?

A trip to Ohio was supposed to set you straight.
You came back curved and crooked,
babbling about love you found in the woods,
some beautiful girl in the woods.

They describe it like a rollercoaster.
You go up and up and up,
and just when you’re on the top- Clarity!
You crash down faster than you can imagine.
47 years of the same rollercoaster is tiring.

And now,
your boisterous booming laugh
echoes in Martha’s Kitchen,
a shared joke between you and a friend
nobody else can see.

Society shuns you,
deems you unimportant.
You can’t work, you can’t provide.

You stare at me on the street
and I turn my face away.
I’m sorry.
You did not deserve that.

You are so different.
I’m sorry I was scared.
I didn’t know you then.
I still don’t know you now.

Coughs rack your body.
You have the grin and wide eyes
of someone who has seen too much,
and heard too much,
and felt too much.

I try to piece together what I can.
There’s so much history,
gaps in the stories.
I crave understanding
so I can commemorate you.

 
Audio download:
schizo 3.mp3
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Posted: 01.22.18
About the Author: Sarajaney
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Discussion

Comments

  1. SilverGoose
    Jan 23, 2018

    This describes perfectly knowing and caring about someone with Schizophrenia. You care but also fear. This is really good. I really like all the c sounds. Thank you for writing this.

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  1. Sarajaney
    Jan 23, 2018

    Thank you! I'm taking your suggestion to change "deafening" to a c sound too.

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  1. Abby_Simmons
    Jan 24, 2018

    Wow Sara, this poem is incredible. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing this with us.

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  1. Sarajaney
    Jan 24, 2018

    Thank you Abby!

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  1. ShanRippWriting
    Jan 25, 2018

    This was incredible. There aren't enough words invented to describe how much I love this piece. Amazing job!
    Shannon :)

    Shannon Ripp

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  1. Sarajaney
    Jan 25, 2018

    Thank you so much!

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  1. Reid
    Jan 25, 2018

    Sarajaney, we've sent this to our digital magazine on the website, medium.com, The Crow, https://medium.com/the-crow. We're still reeling from the power of this piece. Thank you so much!

    YWP Executive Director
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  1. Sarajaney
    Jan 25, 2018

    Thank you!

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  1. Worlds.Within.Words
    Jan 30, 2018

    I love this so much and want to second everything everyone has said!! Every line hit like a perfectly crafted blow; I especially liked the third stanza and the rollercoaster stanza and the line "Oh God, what if they all did?". Oh, and "I'm sorry. You did not deserve that." You constantly gave words to something that cannot be described, which is amazing.

    If I dare, I do have one bit of constructive criticism... (haha, c sounds again!) Speaking of c sounds, actually: for some reason my brain craved a c sound to end the whole poem. Maybe because I'm a big fan of full circle endings. And I realized that the word "commemoration" or "commemorate" goes perfectly with what your last stanza is talking about. I don't know if you would want to change anything or add another line, but to me, ending with a "c" would make the piece feel complete. Feel free to ignore me, though, because the piece is so wonderful as it is!

    "I say I want to save the world but really/I want to write poems all day"
    -Dorothea Lasky

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  1. Sarajaney
    Jan 30, 2018

    Thank you so much! That is a fantastic idea. I struggle a lot with ending poems and you just came up with just the ending this needs.

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