Apr 01

nothing at all

I scream at my parents.
They try to be reasonable,
although it's difficult.
I turn away.

I don't feel anything at all.

I push my sister away.
She starts to cry.
She starts coming towards me again,
wanting a hug
from a comforting source.
But I push her away again.

I don't feel anything at all.

I ignore my friends in school.
I am just feeling this way.
They talk to me.
They do everything like usual.
But they notice,
and leave me alone.
Like I want.

I don't feel anything at all.

I heard about the Maryland shooting.
Another one,
I think.
The shooter is the one that is killed.
Good.

I don't feel anything at all.

At least,
I think I don't.
Or maybe I just can't feel
what I usually have such strong opinions about.

I am numb.
I am in my own universe.
I have escaped my life.

I know
I should act better to my parents.
They love me,
and I love them.
Life is
playing with my mind.

I know
I should take care of my sister.
Scribbling on my homework
makes no fracture
in what I feel.
I don't know
how to be what I should.

I know
my friends are the ones who hear everything.
They put up with me.
They listen,
they care.

I know
the Maryland shooting
was another tragety.
Just as great as Parkland.
I know that I am scared.
And I want change.
And that shooter
could have been helped.
But I don't want to think about this.

I don't want to feel anything.
I don't know how to feel.
And people have said
teens go through this.
It's normal.

It's not.
I am no match for the fire inside me,
or for handling sadness.

I know
I am so lucky
to be alive,
and to be so fortunate.

I know
that I can help change
what still makes our lives violent,
or inequal.

But sometimes,
I just don't know how to feel.
I feel
too much,
I would say.
Unlike any health or guidance councelor,
who would lecture me about how everything is normal.

Everything about me,
or my life
isn't normal.

Maybe sometimes
I don't feel anything at all.
I don't know.
I'll just fight for what isn't right.
I'll just keep on loving.
Through everything,
I'll just keep living?
(I don't know if that's right,
but it sure sounds like a good thing to live by to me)
About the Author: BloodMoon825
"I do not agree with a word you say but will defend to the death your right to say it." - Voltaire
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