Jan 14
Jayden.C.block's picture

Silent Scream

Stress, pain, anger, sadness. I feel these the most. I feel them all twist and turn and merge forming a scary blackness in my head that doesn't wanna let me go. So I scream. I scream for help but no sound comes from me. And when I start to feel it all crawl up to me, I turn to music. But the problem is that I end up feeling the song more than just listening to it. All these deeper meanings. In these songs, I hear the people screaming for help or what they're going through with a sweet voice that most people just say it sounds good. So I try what they do. I try writing. Books, music, anything to get it out but it ends up being too much. The stress eats away at my fingers as I write and play. The anger slips venom into my words. The pain strikes at my brain making me remember what I wish I could forget. The sadness turns to water and sqeezes out from under my eyes. That scary blackness moves from my head to my chest. Eventually getting to my heart and pumping through my veins attached to the blood cells. I feel it spreading and I scream because it hurts, but once again there's no noise. So I hide what i'm feeling. I don't let people in because they always turn their backs when they promise to stay. They say I can tell them anything. I tell them a little bit of what i'm going through and they say, "It's okay, I understand your pain. Is there more?" I tell them more and they stare at me like i'm insane and ask "What the f**k is wrong with you?" So I gave up, because i felt like everyone was lying to me, I still feel that way and no one understands. But I kept screaming. No noise. The blackness fills my mouth and snuffs out all the sound. So I stop caring. I just keep screaming hoping someone will hear me and save me from the drowning void. But no one hears me scream. So I turn to writing and when I post what i'm feeling. My family tells me, "We understand you want people to know but maybe you shouldn't tell people straight out." What the hell am I supposed to do? Hint at it like a scavenger hunt and hope someone pulls a detective Snoopy and magicaly solves all my problems? I have two friends that always say is "Stop being depressed." So I told them, "If it were that simple to say three f**king words and snap my fingers and everything would be okay, don't you think I would have done that by now?" They told me to calm down and that it was just a joke. That was part of my scream that actually made noise, and they told me to stop. So I stopped trying and let the blackness snuff out the sound again. My Silent Scream won't be heard... I just have to accept that.