JuliaR

It’s 12:36 am.

I’m sitting up again.
I can hear cars 
filled with lonely people
pass slowly outside my window. 
The light from the fire detector 
flashes every thirty seconds.
I like to sit and watch it

The pressure in my head
keeps reminding me you’re dead.
The build up pushing my skull
my eyes bulging
from the ripping away of memories.
Everything is spinning on a dull carousel
I’m the broken seat belt

Pushing you away
is easier than breathing you in
I don’t risk choking on feelings
or letting you take any of my air
the harder I push
the farther you fall
like a game of connect four
eventually all the chips cascade

lately ive become impulsive
thats new for me.
ive never been the risk taker
the rule breaker the girl who could just do
without thinking
ive been straight, tight, focused, determined

There isn't much for me to say today.
Things here are mostly quiet,
which is abnormal but a welcome change.
I've been thinking a lot about memories,
the little moments that used to make me laugh so hard I'd cry.

There is no time left.
We've used up all our moments
given up all our motivations.
The walls of what-ifs 
are closing in 
our bodies are trapped.
There is no escape route.
All these words
we let go of