You see, friend?
The way the sky darkens?
The way the stars become aware?
You see the horizon, the distant lands
Of moon-rock and sleeping metal?
You see a dog, running, running, running
Up to such a point in the sky?
You see, do you not? Our saint?
And you see her catch it, the earth between
Her sharp canines
And you feel a tooth into your heart?
Do you see it, my friend?
Do you see her wagging tail?
Do you?
And sipping coffee with me
In this early morning
And we talk and talk
Do you feel her?
Soft eyes begging for
A taste of life?
For dropped crumbs?
She falls
Do you miss her, my friend?
(NaPoWriMo Day 6!!! yay, all caught up! <3)
Comments
Welp I'm crying.
Hello there! I am glad my poem had some form of emotional impact on you, and i was wondering if maybe you could take the time to critique? I am trying to improve my poetry, so if you could let me know which lines were strong, what worked well, ND what interrupted the flow or just didn't add anything, that would be great!! <3
I really can't find anything to critique your use of repetition, figurative language, and punctuation delivers a gut punch to the soul. Not only that, but your willingness to ask for critique shows clear maturity and willingness to improve (of course, not wanting critique doesn't make you immature but wanting it is a postive nontheless).
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