3 different ideas

i sit there, knees pulled up to my chest, rocking back and forth. whispering little lies to myself to make it all go away. as the walls feel they are going to collapse on top of my feeble form, and bury me with my regrets. i rock back and forth, trying to make it all leave me alone, in the darkness of my closed blinds where the silence can torment me, the emptiness of the air reverberating inside my ears, reminding me of how alone i am in this world. how feeble and stupid and alone i am. i am nothing. and nobody cares. 


I go about eating my lunch the same way i always do. taking my dismal looking salad with the one cucumber from the mostly empty mini fridge under the microwave that doesn't work. i sit myself down on my lumpy futon and check my phone for notifications. there's nothing but a text from my mom asking if im ok. i stare at it. thinking back to last year, when everything started spiraling down into the mess it is now. i tell her i'm fine. but i sit there, wondering. . . am i really? 

i tug on my monkey pajamas, and launch myself into bed. i pull my bright blue tractor themed quilt over my head, and i giggle quietly as i lie in wait for my mom. when i hear the door creak open, i burst out of my hiding place and yell "boo!" she chuckles and sits down next to me. she reads me my favorite book and turns my night light on before leaving.