Anything is better

numb
from all the empty space
the lack of laughter
and people 
who can never be replaced
no longer standing next to me
making stupid jokes
that we all guffaw at anyway
for fear has drowned them in solitude 
not reaching out
not replying when i need them to
my cousins
my uncles 
my grandparents 
my friend
none of these people are laughing anymore
they sit in terror
of what could happen
waiting with their toilet paper
and lysol wipes
for things to just blow over
and maybe they will
but i refuse to just sit and do nothing
to let the fear and loneliness drown me too
i will do anything
and everything to keep myself busy
making a shelf
baking a cake
trying to learn how to knit
but failing 
and starting over again
i will clean everything
reorganize every box in this room
paint until everything is dripping in color
and run until my lungs can't take it anymore
because i refuse to let the lonely catch up
i will always try to elude it's smothering grasp
and fill in the empty with laughter
and smiles
and people i care about
because anything is better
than feeling those icy fingers around my neck
anything is better than the loneliness.