Attention Seeking

I shut down a lot

I don’t know why I do it.

I can’t control it,

but for some reason

the voice inside my head

says it is because I am

attention seeking.

I know I am not.

I know I don’t want to be.

I have fought for so long

to keep everything in.

So why do I do this?

Why does my body do this

to me?

You didn’t do anything.

She didn’t do anything.

Nobody did anything

to make me shut down like this.

It just happens.

My mouth gets dry,

my head starts to pound,

and I then suddenly get the urge

to be alone.

To be alone with

myself and my thoughts.

I am too annoying.

I need to be alone, so I don’t

ruin anyone else’s day.

I know I would ruin someone’s day.

I would ruin it because I

am horrible.

I am a horrible person.

I deserve to feel like this.

I am horrible for feeling like this.

I run in circles,

but then complain I am dizzy.

I deprive myself of food,

but then complain I am hungry.

Maybe I am attention seeking.

Maybe I shut down because

that small voice in my head

is speaking the truth.

Maybe I don’t want to hear the truth.

Maybe I am not ready to hear the truth.

Maybe that voice in my head is right.