Auditions

I like auditioning. I like it because it makes me feel special - I like the anticipation, walking in that room, and just getting to play what you've practiced. It's predictable. 

Before, I am always really nervous - terrified. Almost to the point of hyperventilation. Freaking out. Breathe, I tell myself. Breathe. You have to breathe. Musicians have to breathe. Air, air, air. Forcing breath marks in conversations, taking notes in classes.

Today I had to sit through four class periods before my audition time. Every time I would remember I had the audition, I would get butterflies - but they were almost nauseating. I was freaking out, and nothing would calm me down. By the time I got down to the band room - the auditions are recorded via video, because it's middle school, but I've done in person ones before too - I had calmed down, though. As soon as I started to warm up the fuzzy scared feeling started to fade and I began to relax - I was still distinctly nervous, but it was just a faint buzzing in the background. I was a little bit shaky but I auditioned fairly well. One thing I've learned these four years is that most musicians think they play worse than they did. I'm hoping that's the case this time.

So my audition was fine. I played my three scales and the piece, and it was all correct. A pretty solid performance. I didn't mess anything up that I'm aware of, but it wasn't magical, either. It wasn't my magic. It wasn't super expressive. I played all the nuances technically correct, but that's not what music is. Music is both. Music is feeling. 

I knew that, but it was all I could do to just get through it. My band conductor, aka audition videoer, said it was fine. Fine. Not amazing. Fine is good but I can be amazing. I strive for amazing. And this was not it. My band grades since fifth grade - since I picked up my instrument for the first time ever - have been perfection itself. I hope this time works with my record. I think he said it was fine because I did well, but he knows me. He knows I can do better. He knows that's not the standard I hold myself to.

That's not the standard that's going to work next year when I'm not the best all the time.

I like being the best, but I know in order to be the best I have to be around people better than me. That's what I did last year. It changed my life. This year I only get that once a week on Sundays.

Anyway, I know no auditions aren't going to be perfect, but my competition is steep - at least it will be next year when I get to high school. And fine isn't going to be acceptable.

Hopefully I get in - I think I will. But I need to up my performance, up my solo. I am playing in a recital tomorrow night for my friends, the community, everyone. I am really nervous about it, and I know that not messing anything up is a win. If I play it like the paper says to play it like I did today, I will be fine. The audience doesn't know the piece. They don't know what it's supposed to sound like. 

But they will recognize whether I'm playing with emotion or not. It will be a bland performance if I can't tie something into what I'm doing, if I can't shape the song around me. I know I can but I have to be able to do it in front of people or it's never going to matter. I have to be able to not only audition but perform. I have to perform beautifully and expressively and I didn't today.

"Fine" is not what I'm going for here. I'm going for remarkable. Extraordinary. Things you can feel but not see. 

My goal with every audition and performance is to make people proud of me. I love my band conductor and I just want to make him smile - for him to give me a high five or a hug and say "That was amazing!" I want him to validate me. When he says I am outstanding I believe it. When he doesn't I feel I'm not, because he's the only person I talk to on a regular basis who actually understands what the heck we're going for in the band room. All my musician friends - the ones who are serious about it - I only see once a week.

I want to be special. I want people to know me. I want to stand out. I want to be complimented. 

But more than anything, I want to play true to me. I want to make people smile when they hear me, or cry, or something. I need something here.