bittersweet

bittersweet
like the chocolate i try to drown myself in
dreading the day i have to tell you
but yearning for it at the same time
for so long
i have been a prisoner
of these feelings 
trapped beneath a smile
and the feeble attempts to reach out
mixed with my random impulses to grab your hand
and run all the way to the maine coast
where the faded seaglass of my past
can wash into yours 
and we can play in the waves
like the children we left behind
to the color pink 
and stuffed animals to bountiful to fit on my small twin bed
for the scentl of paint
and people calling us big kids
bittersweet
like the smell of dead pine needles
for though i know you would come with me
to the sprawling forests
and cold oceans i love
i don't fully know
if you would in the way i want you to
it not easy 
playing this game
of guessing
and hoping
that your playing too
and i'm not alone in feeling this
bittersweet
the salt on my lips
from the waves that wrapped around my ankles 
and drenched my hair 
washing up shells 
and old bottle shards
smoothed by the grains of sand
that stuck to my skin
and tucked themselves between my tiny toes
bittersweet
are my thoughts of you
because you amaze me
and make me smile when i see your face
but
i don't do the same for you.