Clemintine

Setting: An art classroom. 

At Rise:  Some STUDENTS are milling about, gathering supplies and chattering, others are seated on the floor, working on craft projects. MARGARET is seated towards the front of the stage, working on a glittery project.  CLEMINTINE  enters, and plops down next to MARGARET.

MARGARET:

Remember the rules. You can’t touch my stuff! 

CLEMENTINE:

Why?

MARGARET:

Because it’s the rule!

CLEMENTINE: 

Why?

MARGARET:

Because you can’t touch my stuff!

(CLEMENTINE points off in a random direction, and touches Margaret’s art project while MARGARET looks)

TEACHER:

Good morning class! Is everyone ready for the Pledge of Allegiance? Afterwards, you can get to work on your ‘Welcome to the future’ project. 

TEACHER, STUDENTS, and MARGARET:

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic 

(during this time, CLEMENTINE has been staring out the window. She starts making vomiting noises)

TEACHER:

Clementine, pay attention

CLEMENTINE:

I am paying attention! That’s how come I know that the lunch lady is kissing the janitor again, and it's gross!

TEACHER: 

Let’s keep going

 TEACHER, MARGARET, CLEMENTINE, and STUDENTS

And to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

TEACHER:

Ok, you can start on your projects. (hands the stapler to a nearby student) I’m going to pass the stapler around so anyone who needs it can use it. You can talk, but use inside voices please.

(the students work quietly and pass the stapler around until it gets to CLEMENTINE. She is squinting at the teacher intently and doesn't notice until the kid next to her bangs her on the head with a bottle of glue.)

TEACHER: 

Clementine, pay attention!

CLEMENTINE:

I am paying attention! That’s how come I know that the stain on your shirt looks kinda like a duck, if you squint.

TEACHER: 

That’s nice

(MARGARET rushed offstage, looking teary. CLEMENTINE stares after her) 

STUDENT:

Clementine, can I borrow your yellow? Clementine? CLEMINTINE CAN I BORROW YOUR YELLOW?

TEACHER:

Clementine, pay attention.

CLEMENTINE:

Can I go to the girls room?

TEACHER (handing her the hall pass):

Yes, you may. 

Scene 2

Setting:  A school bathroom, preferably with a mirror and sink. 

At Rise:  MARGARET is sitting curled up in a ball on the floor, preferably under the sink, with a lock of long  brown hair and a pair of scissors next to her. 

(Enter CLEMENTINE)

CLEMENTINE(surprised, Margaret is a known germaphobe):

Margaret! You're sitting on the floor!

MARGARET (sniffling):

I’m sitting on paper towels.

CLEMENTINE:

Still, what’s the matter?

(she picks up the lock of hair)

Is this your hair? (To herself) Uh-oh. (To Margaret) Come out Margaret. Let me see.

MARGARET:

I’m not coming out until it’s grown back.

CLEMENTINE: 

Well, I think I see a germ crawling up your dress.

(Margaret jumps quickly up from the floor and starts to cry. A large chunk of her hair is missing over one ear)

MARGARET (sobbing):

I got glue in my hair!  I was just trying to cut it out!

CLEMENTINE (comfortingly):

Maybe if we evened up a chunk over your right ear?

(CLEMENTINE carefully cuts off a chunk of hair from above MARGARET's other ear)

CLEMENTINE (fake cheerful):

It’s like bangs. Sort of. 

MARGARET:
Except bangs are in your front hair, not the sides. 

(MARGARET sighs and cuts off the front of her hair)

MARGARET:

Not so good.

CLEMENTINE:

Not so good.

(MARGARET starts to cry again)

CLEMENTINE (bracingly):

All of it?

MARGARET (resigned):

All of it.

(CLEMENTINE carefully cuts off all of MARGARET's hair. As she cuts off the last lock, the TEACHER enters)

TEACHER:

Clementine! What are you doing?

Scene 3

Setting:  The lobby of the apartment building. 

At Rise:  CLEMENTINE is showing MARGARET a drawing of her.

CLEMENTINE:

I made a drawing of you!

MARGARET:
AUUUUUUUUUUGGGHH! I look like a dandelion! 

CLEMENTINE:

Dandelions are beautiful.

MARGARET:
For Flowers maybe. Not for people’s heads. Besides,  dandelions are yellow, not brown. I look like a dead dandelion. (brightening) Maybe that would help. If my hair were yellow. (looks longingly at CLEMENTINE's hair) Or red.

CLEMENTINE:

 I could do that for you Margaret! Oh, sure! I could make your hair red, just like mine. 

MARGARET:

How?

CLEMENTINE (thinking on the fly, she doesn't actually know how):

Ummmmmmmm……, My mother has some special markers for her work. They color over anything, and they stay there. My baby brother, Sage, got hold of one and drew all over the walls, and my parents couldn't get it off! They had to paint the room over! That’s how permanent those markers are!

MARGARET:

Sage did that? The easy one?

CLEMENTINE:

The easy one?

MARGARET:

That’s what my mother calls him. She says it’s a good thing your parents got an easy one after you. Same thing in my family, but I’m the easy one. She says when there's two kids in a family there's always an easy one and a hard one. I guess it’s a rule.

CLEMENTINE(pretending she understands):

Oh  yeah, I knew that.

MARGARET:

So how about those markers?

CLEMENTINE: 

Ok. Hang on, I have to tell my mom where I’m going so she won’t worry. (yelling offstage) Hi Mom, everything went great at school, I was really paying attention, and now I’m going to play with Margaret, ‘cause everything’s fine with Margeret, no problems bye!

Scene 4:

Setting: CLEMENTINE's apartment. In the kitchen, maybe with a table and chairs. 

At Rise:  CLEMENTINE'S MOM is bustling about the kitchen doing general mom stuff. CLEMENTINE stomps in, on the verge of tears. 

CLEMENTINE'S MOM (uncertainly, she doesn't know what’s upsetting CLEMENTINE, or what will push her over the edge)

Hi honey, how was school?

CLEMENTINE(very upset and insulted):

Margaret’s mother sent a note to the school today that said "Watch that my daughter isn't left alone with Clementine”!

CLEMENTINE'S MOM:

Margaret’s mother is upset right now. I guess I would be too. Do you want some grape jelly for your milk? (she hand’s CLEMENTINE a jar of grape jelly and a glass of milk. CLEMINTINE stirs a generous spoonful of the jelly into her milk.) 

(Enter CLEMENTINE’S DAD. He takes a quick look at CLEMENTINE, realizes she’s upset, and looks concerned)

CLEMENTINE’S DAD (handing her a set of official -looking keys): 

Go ride the service elevator, Sport. Four times, that's all.

(exit CLEMENTINE)

(Time passes. CLEMENITINE’S PARENTS pantomime a conversation, as the lights fade and brighten again.  )

(enter CLEMENTINE, off to the side. Her parents don’t notice her enter)

CLEMENTINE’S MOM:

How do you think that note made her feel? Imagine! As if our daughter is a common criminal!

CLEMENTINE'S DAD (laughing to himself):

Well that is insulting. There’s absolutely nothing common about Clementine.

CLEMENTINE'S MOM:

It’s not funny.

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

Yes it is. A little.

CLEMENTINE'S MOM:

Ok, I guess it is. A little. But what are we going to do about her? 

(CLEMENTINE, who has been growing more and more upset as she watches this exchange, runs offstage.)

Scene 5:

Setting:  CLEMENTINE'S PARENTS’ bedroom. Preferably with a bed.

At Rise: CLEMENTINE'S MOM is sleeping. CLEMENTINE is standing next to the bed with a corner of the blanket pulled over her head (or a separate smaller blanket)

CLEMENTINE:

I’d better not go to school today. I think I have cracked toes. (puts her foot up to her MOM’s face)

CLEMENTINE'S MOM (still totally asleep):

Nope.

CLEMENTINE: 

Well, I also have the heartbreak of sore irises. 

CLEMENTINE'S MOM:

Nope.

CLEMENTINE:

Actually, I think I have arthritis. Old Mrs. Jacobi was breathing on me in the elevator the other day, and I must have caught it. 

CLEMENTINE'S MOM (finally opening her eyes):

Oh, please. (suspicious) Clementine? `Why are you wearing a blanket over your head? (pulls the blanket gently off her head, revealing that CLEMENTINE is now nearly bald) You've cut off all your hair! (takes CLEMENTINE's head in her hands and twists it around, looking at it from all sides) You’ve cut off all your beautiful hair! What were you thinking?

CLEMENTINE:

I wanted to make Margeret feel better. I didn't want her to be the only one. But I forgot: Margaret’s not going to school today. She has an appointment at the orthodontist to get braces.

CLEMENTINE'S MOM (putting her arm around her):

Oh. So now you’ll be the only one. I’m sorry, honey, but you can’t stay home. You have to go and face the music. 

Scene 6:

Setting:  The lobby of an Apartment building

At Rise: MARGARET is waiting for the elevator. CLEMENTINE, wearing a wooly hat, runs on.

CLEMENTINE:
Margaret! Can I see your braces?

(MARGARET turns to her, and shows off her braces with a big grin)

CLEMENTINE:
Cool! What are the colorful bits?

MARGARET:
They’re rubber bands. Every month I have to go in and get them changed, and they’ll give me different colors, whatever I want.

CLEMENTINE: 

Look at this! (pulls of her wooly hat with a dramatic flourish)

MARGARET (genuinely relieved):

Awesome!

CLEMENTINE: 

You can pick the new color of my hair. Whatever color you want. You can draw it on my head.

MARGARET:

Yay! The Markers are still in my room. Let's go! (starts to exit) Maybe we could do it parakeet green! 

Scene 7: 

Setting: School hallway.

At Rise: The TEACHER has pulled CLEMENTINE aside to talk. CLEMINTINE is carrying a bottle of glue. 

TEACHER:

Clementine, the bus driver called me-

CLEMENTINE (interrupting):

It’s not my fault! Margaret has very slippery head skin. 

TEACHER (trying to keep it together):

Margaret’s slippery head skin is not the problem. The problem is that you tried to glue your own hair onto Margeret’s head. You’ve been having lots of problems with hair this week. First you cut off Margaret's hair. Then you colored her head. Yesterday you cut off your own hair and colored your own head. And today this. Clementine, what’s going on between you and Margaret?

CLEMENTINE (trying to distract her):

How do you spell nitrogen?

TEACHER: 

N-I-T-R-O-G-E-N. Are you angry with her?

CLEMENTINE:
No, it’s just… First Margeret had straight brown hair, and we didn't look alike. Then we cut it off and colored it red, so we sort of did. Except now I have a green head. What if we never look alike? What if we do? 

TEACHER(trying to understand):

Oh. Ok.

(There is a few seconds of awkward silence in which the TEACHER tries to figure out what to do, and CLEMENTINE wiggles: rocks back and forth, bounces, spins around, or something along those lines.)  

CLEMENTINE: 

Can I be done here now?

TEACHER:

Ok, fine. 

Scene 8:

Setting:  CLEMENTINE's apartment. Preferably with a mirror somewhere.

CLEMENTINE (yells from offstage):

 I need to go check to see if I’ve started growing a beard yet! (CLEMENTINE runs in with a smear of chocolate frosting on one cheek. She looks in the mirror, sees the frosting, and throws up her hands in a gesture of triumph) Bill, where’s your razor?

(Enter CLEMENTINE'S DAD, skidding into the room looking alarmed)

CLEMENTINE:

Look! I’m finally growing a beard! 

CLEMENTINE'S DAD (inspecting her “beard”):

That’s not a beard sport. That’s chocolate frosting. As a matter of fact, it smells exactly like the kind of chocolate frosting your mother put on the cake she made for her book club, which nobody was supposed to touch. Now isn't that a coincidence. (CLEMENTINE wipes off the frosting) Clementine, you know you can’t grow a beard.

CLEMENTINE:

I sure am having a lot of trouble with hair these days.

CLEMINTINE’S DAD(hugging her): 

I know sport. Hey, have you got a little time to spare? (CLEMENTINE eyes him suspiciously) The Great Pigeon War. It’s time for some evening maneuvers. I could use someone like you on the front lines tonight. Someone with fresh ideas. 

(CLEMENTINE and her DAD exit and reenter, wearing raincoats. They are now outside the building, and CLEMINTINE’S DAD is carrying a hose and a grocery bag with something bulky inside it)

CLEMENTINE'S DAD: 

Time to bring out the heavy artillery. (he and CLEMINTINE  spray the hose at the building. Projections of pigeons flying away would be awesome here)

CLEMENTINE(still spraying):

You know dad, it’s not really the pigeons you're at war with. The pigeons aren't the enemy. 

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:
What are you talking about? It’s my job to keep the building looking nice, especially the entrance. You’ve seen what those pigeons do.

CLEMENTINE:

Exactly! It’s not the pigeons you're at war with, it’s their mess!

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

Well,  ok, that’s true. I’m actually at war with pigeon splat. You got any ideas how to get rid of the pigeon splat without getting rid of the pigeons?

CLEMENTINE:
How about diapers? We could wait until all the pigeons are asleep, then sneak up and put little diapers on them!

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

Brilliant! See, that’s what I’m talking about. I can always count on you to see things from a new angle. I’m going to make you a captain! 

CLEMENTINE:

You made me a captain last week. For the idea about charging them rent.

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:
You can be a sergeant then!

CLEMENTINE: 

Never mind. Who would change all those diapers every day? (pulls a face) Not me.

CLEMENTINE'S DAD: 

Hmmmmm……, excellent point. I’ve got one more tactic.(pulls a fake owl dramatically from the bag) Psychological warfare! 

CLEMENTINE:

What’s that for?

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

The pigeons will take one look at this owl, and they’ll head for the hills! Well, for another building. Pigeons are deathly afraid of owls. I’ll probably be promoted to  general for this one!

CLEMENTINE:
You already are the general. 
CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

Oh, right. I’m so modest, sometimes I forget. Well, I bet I’ll get the medal of honor.

CLEMENTINE: (overdramatically rolling her eyes):

Dad.

CLEMENTINE’S DAD (undeterred):

I might even be knighted for this one!

CLEMENTINE(gestures to the owl):

It’s plastic.

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

But the pigeons don’t know that! That’s the brilliance of my plan!(he places the pigeon somewhere high up just offstage, and then comes and sits on stage with CLEMENTINE)

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

They're crafty all right, but I’m crafter. You know, It’s a little known fact that pigeons were the eighth deadly plague of Egypt.

CLEMENTINE(watching offstage):

I don’t think your psychological warfare is working. The pigeons are roosting on the owl now. You need something real. Polka Dottie would have scared them away when she was alive.

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

You still miss your cat, don’t you sport.

CLEMENTINE:

I miss seeing her when I get home from school. I miss patting her where her fur was so soft under her neck. I miss hearing her purr when I fall asleep. I even miss the smell of her food.

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

That’s a lot of missing.

CLEMENTINE:
And she would have scared off those pigeons, wouldn't she?

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

Absolutely! She was one terrifying cat.

CLEMENTINE (rolling her eyes):

Dad. She would have been terrifying to pigeons.

(suddenly just to her feet, looking like she’s just had an awesome idea) Bye! (runs off stage)

Scene 9:

Setting: A copy shop. Preferably with a counter.

At Rise: There is a copy shop employee, preferably behind the counter. CLEMINTINE runs up, carrying a picture of a cat and a kid-sized purse.

EMPLOYEE: 

Welcome to Printmaster, what can I do for you today?

CLEMENTINE:

Can you make this bigger?

EMPLOYEE:

How big do you want it?

CLEMENTINE(dumping out assorted coins and bills from the purse):

How big can you make it for all this?

EMPLOYEE(counting the money):

I can make that cat the size of a German shepherd for that much money.

CLEMENTINE:

Perfect!

Scene 10:

Setting:  CLEMENTINE's apartment. 

At Rise:  CLEMENTINE'S PARENTS are looking at something on her DAD’s phone. CLEMINTINE enters quietly, and her PARENTS do not notice her.

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

…One left.

CLEMENTINE'S MOM:

One’s all we need. Do you think we should do it?

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

I think so. I think it’s time. 

CLEMENTINE'S MOM:

Ok. I’ll call tomorrow.

(CLEMENTINE, who has been getting increasingly worried during this exchange, begins to walk towards her parents with purposefully loud footsteps)

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

Shhh! She's home. 

(CLEMENTINE looks like her fears have been confirmed, and runs offstage, scared)

Scene 11:

Setting: Another apartment.

At Rise:  MRS.JACOBI is reading a magazine, when there is a knock on the door.

MRS.JACOBI:

Come in.

(enter CLEMENTINE, holding a huge  picture of Polka Dottie)

MRS. JACOBI(handing her five dollars):

Hello dearie, could you run to the store and fetch me a box of Cheerios?

CLEMENTINE (a bit put out, this was not what she came to talk to her about):

Ummm, ok, sure.

(CLEMENTINE runs off,  and quickly reenters with a box of Cheerios)

MRS.JACOBI: 

Thank you! Keep the change dearie

CLEMENTINE:

You're welcome. I’m saving up to buy a gorilla, and I bet they cost lots. (shows her the picture of Polka Dottie) could I hang this up in your window? I live on the first floor, so it wouldn't really work there.

MRS. JACOBI (confused, but happy to help):

Why, certainly dearie! 

CLEMENTINE (surprised at how easy that was):

Thank you!

(CLEMENTINE walks downstage to begin taping up the picture. MRS.JACOBI follows her, pantomime opening a window and dumps a large amount of cereal out the window. More pigeon projections would be great here)

CLEMENTINE(coming to a realization):

Hey! Hey! Do you always feed the pigeons out of this window? 

MRS.JACOBI (still confused):

Yes, I do.

(CLEMENTINE exits at top speed)

Scene 12

Setting:  CLEMENTINE's apartment

At Rise:  CLEMENTINE's dad is bustling about, generally doing useful stuff. CLEMINTINE runs in. 

CLEMENTINE:

Dad! What if the pigeons lived on the side of the building instead of the front? Would that be ok?

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

That would be great. A miracle. Except, of course, first you’d have to convince a million pigeons to move. 

CLEMENTINE:

But if I could, would that solve the problem? You wouldn't mind if they messed all over the sidewalk in the alley?

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

Nope, not a bit. Nobody uses it. That alley could be knee-deep in pigeon splat, and nobody  would even notice. Fire away, I’d say.

(CLEMENTINE exits in a hurry, leaving her DAD confused)

Scene 13

Setting:  MRS.JACOBI’S apartment

At Rise:  MRS.JACOBI is still standing by the window when CLEMENTINE runs in.

CLEMENTINE:

I’ll run for your cheerios every week. You won’t even have to ask me. But will you stop feeding the pigeons from here? Will you feed them from a side window instead? Let’s start today! (leads her to the side of the stage and pantomimes opening a window and sprinkles some more cheerios out that window)

MRS.JACOBI:

Sure thing dearie! This way I can watch them from my kitchen table.

CLEMENTINE(running offstage):

Yay! Thanks!

Scene 14:

Setting:  CLEMENTINE's apartment.

At Rise:  CLEMENTINE'S PARENTS are making dinner. CLEMINTINE runs in.

CLEMENTINE:

Guy’s! Guess what! I fixed the pigeon problem! 

CLEMENTINE'S DAD (genuinely happy):

Way to go sport!

CLEMENTINE'S MOM: 

Thank goodness! 

CLEMENTINE:

It was Mrs.Jacobi who was feeding them out of her front window, and I got her to stop! You know how she’s always asking me to get her a box of Cheerios, and she lets me keep the change to save for my gorilla? Well she’s feeding them to the pigeons! I was going to get a huge picture of polka dottie to scare off the pigeons, so I went to the copy shop and payed them all my gorilla money, and then today I got the picture, and it was huge, and I took it to Mrs.Jacobi’s apartment because she lives on the top floor, and then she had me go and get her more cheerios, and I got to keep the change for my gorilla fund, and then she said I could hang up the picture of polka dottie in her window, and she didn't even ask why, so then I went to hang it up, and while I was doing that, she came and dumped half of the box of cheerios out the window, and than all these pigeons came and started eating it, and then my brian snapped, and I realized why we always have so many pigeons, and so I came down and asked you if it would be ok if the pigeons lived on the side of the building and you said it would be ok, so I went back up to Mrs. Jacobi’s apartment, and I was so fast she hadn't even closed the door yet, and I told her that I would go get her cheerios every week if she fed the pigeons out the side instead, ad she said that was great, because then she could watch them while she ate, and then a bunch of pigeons came to the side of the building, and I solved the problem, and we won the pigeon war!

CLEMENTINE'S DAD :

Way to go, Sport!

CLEMENTINE'S MOM (to CLEMENTINE'S DAD): 

Thank goodness! Now you don’t have to spend your life cleaning up after those pigeons!

CLEMENTINE'S DAD (taping CLEMENTINE on the shoulders with a spatula like in a knitting ritual) : 

I hereby knight you Sir Clemintine, for your heroic role in the pigeon war!

CLEMENTINE(super happy and proud):

Isn't it awesome?

CLEMENTINE'S MOM:
Yes, it is

CLEMENTIN’S DAD:

Totally awesome!

CLEMENTINE'S MOM:

I need to go get some work done while the roast is in the oven. (Exits) (calling from offstage) Has anyone seen my permanent markers?

CLEMENTINE:

Umm…

CLEMENTINE'S  MOM (reenters, lookers at CLEMENTINE'S green head, and comes to a realization):

You used my… Not my permanent…Those are for…What were you thinking!

CLEMENTINE (nervous and apologetic):

They’re at Margaret's. They’re fine–not even chewed on. I’ll go get them…

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:
Oh, no. We’ll go get them. I think it’s time we had a talk with Margeret’s mother anyways. You’ll sit in your room and think about things. 

Scene 14:

Setting: Apartment building lobby

At Rise: MARGARET and CLEMENTINE enter from opposite sides.

CLEMENTINE:
Hi Margeret!

MARGARET:

Hi! Your parents are mad too now? They came to talk to my mom last night. 

CLEMENTINE:

Yeah. My mom found out I used her special markers. Is your mom even more mad now?

MARGARET:

Not really. I think she already used up all her mad on Monday. I have to go. I’ll see you tonight!

CLEMENTINE:

Yep, see you tonight. Um… what’s tonight?

MARGARET:
Your party! Your parents invited us. (she exits)

CLEMENTINE(to herself):

A surprise party. Surprise parties are either for birthdays or going away. And it’s not my birthday.

Scene 15:

Setting:  CLEMENTINE'S PARENTS’ bedroom

At Rise:  CLEMENTINE'S MOM is on the phone, with CLEMENTINE'S DAD next to her  CLEMENTINE Stands off to the side, listening. Her parents do not notice her.

CLEMINTINE’S  MOM (on the phone):

That’s right, a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting. “Goodby and good riddance should be written in red icing”.

CLEMENTINE’S DAD:

Make sure they spell her name right.

CLEMENTINE'S MOM:

Oh. right, it’s spelled C-L-E-M-E-N-T-I-N-E.

CLEMENTINE (panicking):

Well, I guess I’ll go clean my room then. Yep, I’ll just be cleaning like crazy this afternoon. (CLEMENTINE'S PARENTS glance at her, confused) Maybe when I’m done, I’ll clean Sage’s room too. And then I’ll do my homework. If you need me to help with anything, or solve any more problems like the Great Pigeon War, just come and get me.

CLEMENTINE'S MOM (not looking up from her phone as she and CLEMENTINE'S DAD exit):

Ok, Clementine

(CLEMENTINE looks even more upset at their disinterest, and quickly begins to clean. This could involve pulling toys out from the wings or under set pieces and organizing them or spraying water on the ground or at the audience and wiping it up with a paper towel. She could also squirt the toys and wipe them with paper towels. The point is, she doesn't actually accomplish anything, and grows more and more upset at her futile efforts to clean, until she’s sobbing) (enter CLEMENTINE'S PARENTS)

CLEMENTINE(still sobbing):

I just got some cleaner in my eyes, is all. I’m doing really great cleaning up my room. (looks up at her parents) Ok, fine. I am S-O-R-R-Y sorry!  And I won’t be like this anymore!

CLEMENTINE'S MOM (genuinely confused):

Like what Clemintine? What are you talking about?

CLEMENTINE (all in one breath) : 

LIke whatever you don’t want! I won’t talk so much and I’ll clean up my room for real, and I will Think About the Consequences before I do stuff and I won’t do stuff anyway and I will never lose my homework because I will never lose anything and I will sit so still you will think “Hey, is that Clementine, or just a statue of Clementine” and I will never bring another note home that says “Clementine had a difficult day at school today” and I will bring home hundreds of notes that say “Wow, Clementine certainly pays attention in school!” and the underneath of my bed will look like the underneath of normal people’s beds and my hands will always be where they belong and I will take piano lessons again, but this time I will sit on the bench the whole time and (gasps for air) I won’t be like me anymore. And then I’ll be the easy one too, as easy as  Sage. So you don’t have to get rid of me which I know about because I heard you say “One’s all we need” and then I heard you order a cake that says “Goodby and good riddance Clementine” 

(CLEMENTINE'S PARENTS hug her together. They then take her hands and lead her offstage)

Scene 16:

Setting:  CLEMENTINE's apartment, in the kitchen, preferably with a table.

At Rise: MARGARET,  her mom, and MRS.JACOBI are standing around the table . On the table is a huge cake that says “goodby and good riddance" above a picture of pigeons. Underneath it 

CLEMENTINE'S PARENTS, MARGARET, her MOM, and MRS. JACOBI

Surprise!

CLEMENTINE:says “Thank you Clementine, hero of the Great Pigeon War '' CLEMENTINE looks at the cake with a dawning understanding.

Well, what about the “One’s all we need'' thing? What was that about?

(CLEMENTINE'S PARENTS  smile mysteriously)

CLEMENTINE'S  DAD:

Wait right here sport (He exits and re-enters with a large upside down box) Open it up. (he hands the box to CLEMENTINE, who opens it up to reveal a kitten).

CLEMENTINE:

A kitten!

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

There was only one left. And we told them: “One’s all we need”

CLEMENTINE'S MOM:
What are you going to name him?

CLEMENTINE:

The most exquisite names are the ones you find on labels in the bathroom! (exits, carrying the kitten. She quickly reenters, looking pleased. MARGARET fidgets as though she wanted to pet the kitten but thought better of it.)

CLEMENTINE:

Do you want to pat Laxative, Margaret?

(MARGARET nods happily and reverently pets the kitten)

CLEMENTINE'S MOM:
We know it’s not the same as having Polka Dottie back…

CLEMENTINE'S DAD:

He’s different…

CLEMENTINE:

I know. He’s perfect. Everything’s perfect.