Clumsy

Clumsy

Clunky

I've had bad days but not like this

Why isn't it falling into place?

It feels like I'm forcing my fingers to move

And they're not in sync with my brain

And we are not working together, my instrument and I

And I am clumsy in the music

I feel like a beginner

No, no, no

Why?

I've been good about practicing

Usually I can go weeks without needing to

Apparently not at the level I'm pushing myself to

I guess

When I'm used to being at the top

When I actually challenge myself

I can't let myself slack off and fall behind

I need to be up there

But right now it feels like I'm learning the song for the first time

It's the worst

I cry into my pillow

Why isn't it working??

I play and play and play

Trying to play the clumsiness off of my fingers

Is this how other people normally feel?

It's not coming

The freedom

I am being dragged under by my physical presence and not my musical one

I am clumsy

And it's so frustrating