Dear dad

Dear dad,

I can't count how many times  you said we would talk soon so I waited by the phone, I waited for the calls that never came.Dear dad, I can't count how many times I blamed myself for your absence. How I thought there was something wrong with me. Dear dad, I can't remember how many times you said you wouldn't but then you gave into the bottle, the drink that was more important than me. Dear dad, I can remember the nights when your voice was louder than the thunder outside. I can remember when I cried on the floor wanting to disappear. Waiting for you to stop yelling, waiting for you to see that I was just a child. I was a child who wanted a family where everyone loved each other.  Dear dad, you said you hated me, you said you didn't want me . Dear dad, when you swayed back and forth your mouth muttering hurtful slurs; I still  loved you. Even if you didn't want me. I was stuck in a dream and then I woke up. I still cry, It still hurts, but you don't care so i can’t call you dad. Dear Jeff, you made me believe I wasn't worth loving.Dear Jeff, if I could I would erase all my memories of you. Dear Jeff, you hurt me, you scared me. So I'm saying goodbye to the dad I never really had.

Lila