Distracted and angry

I'm distracted.

Why did I let myself become so reliant

Dependent

So stupid

Ugh I'm so mad.

So mad.

I let myself become distracted by silly things I could want

I let myself want them

I thought it wasn't too far out-of-bounds but

Apparently

Who the heck would want to give them to me?

And I'm crumbling

Disgusted at myself

For letting dreams soar above reality

For letting myself fall so far down

I'll have to dig my way out

Painstakingly.

He left me in the dust

And years later, dropped our story like a heartbreak-shaped bomb in my inbox -

Will you do the same?

Yeah, self, why are you surprised?

This is dumb.

And then gone is the elation

The happiness

Why was I so happy?

Did I have a right to be?

 No.

And I am sinking again

Even before the school year

Ugh school

Don't - can't do it

Birthdays

Not the birthdays

I don't want to think about it

And I'm supposed to talk about it

What the heck went wrong in the creation of me?

I was fine!

I was okay!

I'm supposed to be okay!

I need to be okay. 

I can't function otherwise.

I am distracted.

I told myself no.

I told myself not to because what happens?

What happens then?

When you let yourself do it?

What happened last time?

And I ignored it all and yes, it was fun.

And yes, I don't know if I'll ever get over it.

I'm distracted and I'm angry at myself

Because I thought I knew the priorities

And I thought I knew not to let anyone matter to me

And look.

Look how he found a way.

Guess my walls weren't built up high enough.

Guess next time I have to shove them out as fast as possible

Before anyone can do anything.

And I play dumb games to take my mind off of other people

And I hide away in my room

And I refuse to come out

And I came out for him

Why, oh why.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it would come back to haunt me.

I just didn't care.

Stupid.

Distracted and angry - 

What's wrong with me?