falling.

i run 
and jump
wishing i could fly 
but falling 
i find i can't
the feather's i wish for 
elude my grasp
the wings i so desperately yearn to alight on
never swoosh from my sides
and pain tears through my shoulder
that was bruised far before my fall
from all the past attempts 
but this
this is something new
this pain is raw 
and sharp
and it feels as if i have been cut right open 
no longer is this pain an aching
fading hurt
this is a wound that can not be mended with a bandaid
there is nothing
that can cure this 
i just have to be strong enough 
to work my way through it
to numb the way it feels with sugar and cheesy anime
and carry on with my life
for no longer is this a simple paper cut 
a stubbed toe
or shoulder bruised from my own angry blows 
this is a gash
an open mouth 
that spills blood of endless confusion 
and self hate
and the tears that drip down my face
are ones of regret 
regret for letting myself ruin what i had
by wanting something more
laced with longing 
i see that text from you 
the words that i want to hear 
are not hidden somewhere in your simple phrases, and misspellings 
i know this
but yet
i cling to the hope that is slowly killing me
my finger's seem frozen 
clutching the idea that is my own ruin 
the sound my worn old  ipad makes
is too happy
as i watch your little bubble of text
pop up once again on the cracked screen.