finding my reflection

my pen scratches across the heavily patterned paper
ruining the two hours of work I put into it
I sigh and get up 
and go splash some water from the bathroom sink on my face
I look up into my reflections' eyes
and wonder,
what are they thinking?
are they mad too?
they keep staring.
boring my own judgemental gaze into me.
I look away 
not wanting to face my own disgust 
my disgust at myself. 
I look away 
not wanting to see every mistake 
every imperfection 
I look away 
not wanting to see the hate in my own eyes
the kind of hate that shatters even the slightest hope 
that things will be ok
I look away
not wanting to see myself
and I leave.
for the rest of the day I avoid anything reflective
and at night
when everybody else is already in bed
snoring their heads off
I go to the bathroom 
when I'm washing my hands, I look up
and get caught in my own eyes 
I remember when my mother used to call them her little chocolate drops
she doesn't say that much anymore.
i stand there 
tears running down my face 
tiny rivers of regret 
regret for all the times I'd hated myself 
told myself i was worthless
let my loneliness whisper it's lies in my ears 
the rivers grow to waterfalls
of all the times i let myself believe those lies 
of all the moments i gave in to my doubts
all the hours i spent trusting my own idiotic stories 
about how I didn't deserve my life.
eventually the waterfalls dried 
and i was left with a salty face
and a heart liberated from it's burden.
I splashed water on my face
and looked not my reflections' eyes one more time
but this time 
it smiled at me.