Ham

Enter Ham and three of the Campers. 

HAM: (running around from camper to camper getting them ready) Remember all my notes! Simba, say your monologue exactly like we talked about. Don’t just shout your lines like the lifeguard at swim time. (imitates lifeguard) “everyone out of the water” Don’t wave your hands around like this. Don’t over act. Just forget the audience is there. Don't get too caught up in emotions. Remember what you're doing. Stay cool (sings while snapping and dancing a little) 

Boys 

boys 

crazy boys, 

stay cool boys 

got a 

rocket 

in your 

pocket 

stay cooly cool boys. 

There’s nothing I hate more than watching someone just go on stage and yell and wave their hands. They're gonna break the ears of the littles in the front row! I swear, these people could over-act Maleficent!  Don’t do that.

Simba: We won’t, we promise. 

Ham: Don’t be too quiet either, though. Project, but don’t yell. Trust your gut. Act natural. Make your characters real. Good theater is like a mirror. You want every one of the audience members to see themselves in it. When I taught afterschool theater in my sophomore year, there were these kids who would act like total divas, strutting onstage in full make up, but they didn't seem human at all. They didn't walk like a real person, they didn't talk like a real person, they didn't move their arms like a real person… they looked so not human you would have thought they were paper bag puppets. 

Simba: I sure hope we won’t be paper bag puppets! 

Ham: You won’t be. You guys are better than that. And don’t over do the jokes either. And for god's sake don't laugh at your own jokes. Yes the play’s funny, but don’t laugh! An important bit of dialogue could be lost while you're laughing. And you need to wait for the audience to finish laughing before you give your next line too. You got that Zazu? You need the audience to be able to  understand you. And slow down Pumba! And remember to  cheat out. The audience has to catch everything you're saying. Make sure to enunciate. Head backstage, I’ll be out watching you. You're going to do great! 

Campers exit.

Enter Linus, Gerald, and Robert.

Ham: Hey, how’s it going? Is Claud coming to the play?

Linus  umm-hmm. So’s his little girlfriend. They should be here any minute. 

Ham  (To Lionus) Could you tell the kids it’s two minutes till curtain. (exit linus) 

(to R and G) Could you guys go help coral the kids into some semblance of readiness for the pay? 

Robert:  Of course, Hamilton. (Exit R and G)

Ham  (Waving offstage) Hey, Horace! 

Enter Horace.

Horace  Hi, Ham! Is there anything I can do to help?

Ham   You know, Horace, I trust you more than anyone in this entire camp.

Horace  (awkward) Oh, uhh, thanks bro…

Ham  No, I’m not trying to flatter you. Why would I do that? You're like, what, fifteen? I make more than you anyways. What would I want, your sudoku books? Look, Ever since I knew you well enough, I wanted to be your friend. You're honest, nice, smart, and have insanely good judgment for a highschool boy. You don’t just act on all your random impulses and rely on luck to not die or get fired like all the other CITs. Anyone who can has their act together at fifteen is pretty damn awesome. That's the sort of person I want to be my right hand man. Like you. Ok, I got off track. So, I kinda wrote my own version of the lion king. In this version, Scar drowns Mufasa, instead of pushing him off a cliff into a wildebeest stampede. It’s gonna be just like how my cousin died in my dream. Do me a favor. When we get to the part where Mufasa dies, watch Claud. If he doesn't react or look guilty at all, then it really was just a dream, and my imagination is just about as trustworthy as a five year old who says they know how to steer a canoe. Keep a careful eye on him, and I’ll do the same. After the play, while the kids are having snack, we’ll discuss what we saw, and decide together how guilty he seemed. 

Horece: Sure. If he tries to leave during the play to hide his face, I’ll follow him. Open the doors. 

Ham:  Look out. Here comes Ed Sheeren. I’m going to go look busy. Go find a seat. 

Enter Claud and Greta, hand in hand, followed by Linus, Lea, Robert, and Gerald. 

Claud Hi Ham! How are you feeling?

Ham  (smirking) Umm, with my hands? (feels around dramatically)

Claud You're not making any sense. 

Ham  (still smirking) Probably not. (turns to Linus) Weren't you in a play in highschool?

Linus Yes, indeed I was. People used to say I was quite the actor. 

Ham   Who did you play?

Linus  I played the ghost in Hamlet.

Ham  I’m sure you did a ghastly job of it. I bet you disappeared into the role. 

Lionus: (recites dramatically) “My hour is almost come, when I to sulfurous and tormenting flames must render up myself”

Ham: Ok, you go do that. (yells offstage) Are the kids ready?

Robert (from offstage): Yep. They're waiting for you to give them the go ahead. 

Greta: Come sit over here Ham!

Ham:  No thanks. I found someone hotter to sit by.

Ham: (takes a seat next to Lea) Is this taken?

Lea: No, no one's sitting there

Ham: (flirty) No, I mean you, are you taken?

Lea: (embarrassed) I don’t know what you're talking about.

Ham: I’m certainly taken with you.

Lea: I think you're getting carried away.

Ham: I’d like to carry you away, baby.

Lea: You are in a funny mood today.

Ham  Who, me?

Lea:  Yes you.

Ham  Your own personal Monty Python. What else is there to do but be a comedian? Look how much fun Great’s having, and her boyfriend died two hours ago

Lea: I think it’s been two months by today.

Ham  Really? That long? Let's raise the flag back up and get out the sparklers! He seriously died two months ago and we haven't forgotten him yet? Woah! Maybe someone could even be remembered for half a year after their death, if they endowed a stadium or something!

Enter kids, who hold up a plush lion while singing the beginning Circle of Life. They exit, and Scar enters. 

Scar: (Holding a plush mouse in his hands): Life’s not fair, is it. I’ll never be king, and you’ll never see the light of day again. 

(enter Mufasa)

Mufasa: Scar, you missed your nephew’s birth ceremony. 

Scar (fake friendly): oh, I’m so sorry! I forgot it was today! Congratulations to him! (Mufasa Sighs, but seems to accept this explanation)

(they exit)

Lea: What was that bit with the mouse about?

Ham: Evil plots. There’s something rotten in the pride-lands.

Lea: I guess it’s foreshadowing.

Ham: Here comes the main character.

Simba comes on and frolics a bit. Mufasa then enters.

Mufasa: All of this kingdom will one day be yours. 

Simba: And we’ll be pals forever right?

Mufasa: Of course. Even when I must leave, my spirit will be with you as long as you remember me.

Simba: I could never forget you!

The pair exit. 

Ham: I forgot that that scene was shorter than a college relationship. (turns to Greta) How do you like the play so far?

Greta: It seems a little unrealistic, but it’s impressively followable for a ten minute condensation of an hour long movie performed by kids.

Ham: you don’t think this could happen in real life?

Enter Scar and a few kids acting as hyenas

Scar: I want you to kill the king. Then I will be Claudat last. 

I know that your powers of retention

Are as wet as a warthog's backside

But thick as you are, pay attention

My words are a matter of pride

It's clear from your vacant expressions

The lights are not all on upstairs

But we're talClaudkings and successions

Even you can't be caught unawares

So prepare for the coup of the century

Be prepared for the murkiest scam

Meticulous planning

Tenacity spanning

Decades of denial

Is simply why I'll

Be Claudundisputed

Respected, saluted

And seen for the wonder I am

Yes, my teeth and ambitions are bared

Be prepared

Claud: (to Ham, seeming a bit on edge) Are you sure this is appropriate? For camp, I mean. With the murder and all?

Ham: (dismissive but interested in Claud’s discomfort) It’s Disney murder. It’ll be fine. It would really only affect someone who's murdered someone, or seen someone murdered, and nothing like that’s ever happened around here. 

Enter Simba and Scar

Scar: you wait right here, next to the lake, and your father will come soon with a lovely surprise.

Ham: That's his uncle. See how he’s acting nice to lull them into a false sense of security? He’s going to get his hyenas to chase crocodiles at him now. 

Lea (sarcastically): I didn't know you were the narrator.

Enter kids with toy gators, Scar and Mufasa.

Scar: Simba’s being chased by alligators! You need to come down to the waterfront with me!

Mufasa: Simba!

Mufasa runs up to the gators and badly stage-fight’s them. He pantomimes clawing his way painstakingly out of the water. When he’s almost out, Scar pushes him back in.

Scar: long live the king.

Mufasa pantomime’s drowning.

Claud rises.

OPHELIA  What’s he doing?

Ham  What? Are you scared of some campers playing pretend?

Greta: Are you ok honey?

Linus:  Stop the play!

Claud: I’m not feeling very good. Could someone turn the lights on? I need to get some fresh air. 

Linus:  Lights, lights, lights!

All but Ham and Horace exit.

Ham: I guess my play was a hit! Hit the buck right between the eyes!

 Just give me some tap shoes, and I could be on broadway.

Horace  Er, maybe off-off broadway.

Ham  Nah. I’m gonna be the next Lin Manuel Miranda!

 Cause, you know bestie, the King of Denmark himself has been dethroned by Ed Sheeren.  

Horace   Now say that as a rap (Beatboxes badly).

Ham  Seriously, bro, that dream was as real as climate change. I’m a freaking prophet! Did you see that! 

Horace  Totally!

Ham  Just as he pushed him into the lake?

Horace  At that exact moment!

Ham  Let's go! Let's have some music. (yells off stage) Bring out the recorders! If Claud can’t enjoy a little Disney magic, then that’s too bad for him! (yelling offstage) Come on, let's make some music!

Enter Robert and Gerald.

Gerald  Hey bro, can I talk to you for a minute?

Ham  Two minutes, if you like. 

Gerald   It’s about Claud–

Ham What about him? 

Gerald  I just visited him up in his cabin, and he’s pretty mad.

Ham  Well then it’d make more sense to talk to the therapist. If I get involved, I’ll just make him more mad. 

Gerald  Take some deep breaths, bro. Calm down, and try to be reasonable.

Ham  (not calm) I’m calm, I’m calm!

Gerald   Your friend, Greta, sent me to find you. She seemed really upset.

Ham: Well, here I am, you found me.

Gerald  (sighs pointedly) Now is not the time for your bad jokes. If you give me a serious answer, I’ll go get Greta. If not, I’m going to go get myself a rice crispy treat.  

Ham: No can do.

Robert: No can do what?

Ham: Give you a serious answer. I’ve gone insane. But I will talk to you about Greta. What about her?

Robert: Your play made quite an impression on her.

Ham: Yay! Every director loves to hear that they've made an impression on people! But what else does she have to say? 

Robert: She wants to talk to you in her cabin before light’s out. 

Ham: Sure, I can do that. Do you have any other messages for me?

Robert: We used to be friends.

Ham: We still are, unless you’ve started drinClaudsalad dressing.

Robert: What is going on with you? You know you can tell me anything, right?

Ham: I had a bad dream.

Robert: You've been like this for more than a week. You’ve had a bad dream eight nights in a row?

Ham: kind of…

(Enter the campers with recorders) Oh, yay, here’s the recorders! Can I borrow this one? (snatches a recorder from a camper and turns to Gerald)  What sort of a trap are you leading me into?

Gerald: Look, I’m just trying to be a good friend.

Ham: You're not making much sense. (hands him the recorder) Here, play us a song.

Gerald: I can’t

Ham: Please!

Gerald: Seriously, I can’t

Ham: Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Gerald: I literally have no idea how to play the recorder!

Ham: It’s as easy as lying. Put your fingers over the holes and breath into the top here. Look, here are the holes you use to play notes. 

Gerald: But I don’t know what or where the notes are! I was never taught! I don’t have that kind of talent!

Ham: Well, that’s insulting. You try to play me all the time. You think you know what and where my deepest secrets are, without ever being taught. You think you've played all my notes. Do you really think I’m easier to play than a recorder? Whatever instrument I am, you can fiddle around with me all you want, but you’ll never be able to play me. 

(Enter linus) Hello linus!

Linus: Greta would like to talk to you as soon as possible. 

Ham: Do you see that could? It’s shaped like a camel!

Linus: It looks exactly like a camel.

Ham: I think it looks more like a weasel.

Linus: It has an arched back like a weasel.

Ham: Actually, it looks like a whale.

Linus (agreeable): It is very whale-like.

Ham: (aside) Ugg, I can’t stand these people! (to Linus) I’ll go see Greta soon.

Linus: I’ll tell her you said that.

Ham: Soon is easy to say. I’m going to go back to my cabin.  

Exit all except Ham.

Ham: It’s getting to the witching hour. It’s the time of night for giants to come out and eat children, ghosts to walk around and shake their chains,  and campers to tell spooky stories in the bathroom. I could do anything I wanted at this time of night and no one would know. There’s something about the darkness that feels almost illegal already, so what’s one more violation. Hang on, Greta. Ok, Ham, you’ve got to stop being so angry. You can be a bit mean to her, but not evil. She’s your friend, after all. You can burn her all you want, but only figuratively. Oh god, I seriously want to hurt her, but I won’t. I’ll keep up this act for a little bit longer. 

He exits.