On November 25th, 2013, I woke up to morning rain.
It was maybe a good forty degrees, something like that,
and I wasn't ready for the day at all. It was a Monday.
God, I still hate Mondays. They're an enemy to us all.
I made the careful decision to bring coffee to school,
caramel swirl in a thermos mug,
and pulled on a pair of new jeans and a t-shirt.
My mom commented on my style with some distaste.
As I fixed my hair, I felt my heart throbbing a little
and I wondered why it did that.
There was a tension in the back of my throat
and my chest was clenching in fear and sadness
as though I was experiencing some kind of loss,
but I hadn't lost anything recently and everything was fine,
but nothing felt fine at all.
I felt a little sick and barely touched my coffee.
It tasted like soap and I left it on a table when I got to school.
The cafeteria was full and some kids made fun of my clothes.
The courses were all the same, the kids were all the same,
and I still felt the same, but it was as though I was losing something.
I thought, 'What did I forget? What have I lost?'
My friends didn't feel like my friends and the world seemed tilted.
Something felt very wrong,
like when you look up while playing outside and see dark clouds,
and I began to feel very nervous and I wanted to go home.
Upon arriving home, I tried to focus on homework, but I felt tired.
The uneasiness was still there and I almost wanted to cry,
but for what reason? What could've possibly gone wrong?
What was I missing? My dinner was filling and at 9:00 PM,
I tucked myself into bed and tried to sleep.
All of a sudden, I started crying and I felt like I was suffocating.
It was such a horrible feeling, like being punched in the face,
but there didn't seem to be anything wrong. I thought I was nuts.
I barely slept that night and got up in the morning in a daze.
I walked into the kitchen with dark moons beneath my eyes
and made myself a cup of coffee. The uneasiness turned into feeling ill.
I could've sworn that I was about to vomit and I didn't feel very alive.
I felt like I had just been killed and revived as a zombie.
I went to school as usual, but nothing felt the same.
I didn't eat lunch because I still felt queasy and I didn't speak to anyone.
My friends didn't feel like my friends. Nothing was okay.
I went home and still didn't know what was wrong.
I logged onto my email to see if I had gotten any replies
to find I had gotten one from my friend's mother.
I thought it was strange because I had directly emailed him,
so why was his mother replying? I clicked on the subject title.
"I'm so very sorry to inform you all that my son, (---), has passed away..."
I felt his death and I have felt it again and again since that day.
It was maybe a good forty degrees, something like that,
and I wasn't ready for the day at all. It was a Monday.
God, I still hate Mondays. They're an enemy to us all.
I made the careful decision to bring coffee to school,
caramel swirl in a thermos mug,
and pulled on a pair of new jeans and a t-shirt.
My mom commented on my style with some distaste.
As I fixed my hair, I felt my heart throbbing a little
and I wondered why it did that.
There was a tension in the back of my throat
and my chest was clenching in fear and sadness
as though I was experiencing some kind of loss,
but I hadn't lost anything recently and everything was fine,
but nothing felt fine at all.
I felt a little sick and barely touched my coffee.
It tasted like soap and I left it on a table when I got to school.
The cafeteria was full and some kids made fun of my clothes.
The courses were all the same, the kids were all the same,
and I still felt the same, but it was as though I was losing something.
I thought, 'What did I forget? What have I lost?'
My friends didn't feel like my friends and the world seemed tilted.
Something felt very wrong,
like when you look up while playing outside and see dark clouds,
and I began to feel very nervous and I wanted to go home.
Upon arriving home, I tried to focus on homework, but I felt tired.
The uneasiness was still there and I almost wanted to cry,
but for what reason? What could've possibly gone wrong?
What was I missing? My dinner was filling and at 9:00 PM,
I tucked myself into bed and tried to sleep.
All of a sudden, I started crying and I felt like I was suffocating.
It was such a horrible feeling, like being punched in the face,
but there didn't seem to be anything wrong. I thought I was nuts.
I barely slept that night and got up in the morning in a daze.
I walked into the kitchen with dark moons beneath my eyes
and made myself a cup of coffee. The uneasiness turned into feeling ill.
I could've sworn that I was about to vomit and I didn't feel very alive.
I felt like I had just been killed and revived as a zombie.
I went to school as usual, but nothing felt the same.
I didn't eat lunch because I still felt queasy and I didn't speak to anyone.
My friends didn't feel like my friends. Nothing was okay.
I went home and still didn't know what was wrong.
I logged onto my email to see if I had gotten any replies
to find I had gotten one from my friend's mother.
I thought it was strange because I had directly emailed him,
so why was his mother replying? I clicked on the subject title.
"I'm so very sorry to inform you all that my son, (---), has passed away..."
I felt his death and I have felt it again and again since that day.
Comments
Log in or register to post comments.