I Found Something And I Don't Know What To Do

I found something in my brother's high school journal and I don't know what to do. Keep in mind that this journal was also his when he was in middle school, but from the sixth grade to the ninth grade, he only wrote three entries that were mostly complaints about our home life. My father was in prison after being involved in a drunk driving incident when we were both in the fifth grade. He was sentenced to twenty years, but my mother divorced him and took custody, so we weren't exactly supposed to ever see him again. This angered my brother to the point of no return. Our father was his best friend and when they weren't out skateboarding (yeah, he wasn’t really much of a fishing dad), they were having conversations about what they thought about the world. He was probably the wisest person my brother could think of and he looked up to him like he was God himself.

When he was imprisoned and my mother divorced him, it was a heavy crushing boulder tumbling towards us and all we could do was let it roll over. My mother began smoking again and the alcoholic habits weren’t too slow to follow. I made the effort to avoid bumping into her around the house when she was drunk or high, but my brother never took that precaution. Her behavior only infuriated him even more and he would constantly argue with her no matter what time it was. Sometimes, I would wake up at around two or three in the morning to hear them bickering about something unimportant or important enough to send my mother screaming after him, eyes flaring with a red fire she burned so well. There were a few times where things would get physical between them, but these instances were rare. Most of their anger was verbally vented towards one another.

A year ago, one of my brother’s best friends, Sean, was found bludgeoned to death in an alleyway behind Moe’s. His killer was described as merciless, brutal, and unpredictable. Due to this,  it was believed that it was a passionate attack, but no one could figure out who it was. Even Detective Crawford couldn’t seem to figure it out and the public didn’t take too kindly to that. He retired a few months ago and no one has heard anything about it since. My brother stopped talking about it once everyone else did and my mother stopped talking about it just after the detective retired. I guess people just found it hopeless and tiring to talk about something that’s dead, but his parents never seemed to get the memo. It’s understandable though because how can you possibly stop thinking or talking about someone you looked after since you were carrying them inside of you? It would take lots of drugs, or amnesia, or alzheimer’s to get that kind of person out of your memory.

So the Pattersons never gave up talking about it and they never gave up looking for his killer. Even today, you can still see them trying to get into press conferences and sorting out photographs on their living room wall of suspects and locations. They haven’t had any visitors in months. Even the mail carrier refuses to go near that house because he thinks they’ve gone insane. Apparently, the last time he went there they scared him badly. The chain on his bike broke, so he had to walk by their doorstep and hang a bag with their newspaper and a small package at the end of their driveway. He didn’t even want to know what was in the package, no matter how foul it smelled. He hung the bag and turned back to the road when he heard the front door open and looked over his shoulder to see Mrs. Patterson going to collect it. She was wearing her bathrobe and eagerly walked with her shaven legs peeking from behind her robes.

She wasn’t even wearing any shoes, according to him at least. There were dark circles under her eyes as if she hadn’t slept in weeks and her lips were tight and nearly white beneath her hooked nose. Her eyes seemed big and worrisome as though a bear could pop out at any moment and mawl her to death. He noticed that she had blood on her leg and saw that she had probably nipped herself shaving. There was blood on her lip too, but it was dried. To sum things up, she looked like hell in all of its disaster. She turned her head and  caught sight of him. The mail carrier, 15 year old Danis Willem, waved at her with a forced smile, but she didn’t seem to want to wave back. She collected her mail and quickly made her way back to her doorstep before opening the door and closing it behind her. Danis continued to walk for a few seconds before he heard the door open again and some feet tapping against the gravel.

At first, he thought that perhaps she was missing something, but her footsteps were saying otherwise because he could hear them catching up to him from behind. He whipped around to defend himself against the impending collision, but Mrs. Patterson grabbed his shoulders and shook him with her bony pale hands and skinny arms. To say he was baffled is an understatement. He felt his neck snapping back and forth painfully and could only try to shove away her hands, but she had a death grip on him.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM? WHERE’S MY SON! WHERE’S SEAN! MY BABY, WHAT DID YOU DO?” she screamed hysterically in his face. The insanity! Danis, still dumbfounded, pushed the woman away with a force aggressive enough to make her trip on her own heel and stumble back. After regaining her balance, her eagle eyes shot back and him and became dark holes in her head that dug into the depths of her exasperated mind. Danis didn’t hesitate to turn around and sprint for his life. He threw newspapers about, careless about whether or not they were reaching the right subscribers, and with his sneakers kicking up the gravel, he turned the corner and ran all the way back to the post. His boss noticed his sweaty appearance and asked him what had happened. Danis explained everything between pants and dry swallows and the police got involved.
Well, Sheriff Norman to be precise. He knocked on the Pattersons’ door and gave them a warning. Since Danis had no bodily injuries, there was no evidence of any type of assault, but Mrs. Patterson did admit to rattling the boy and claimed that her medication sometimes made her upset for no apparent reason. The sheriff was very well aware of Mrs. Patterson’s state, so he gave her his only warning and wished her a good day. The Pattersons no longer receive any mail besides a few insurance letters and that’s probably for the best. Archie, my brother, rarely ever even walks by their doorstep anymore. He used to have to pass it every morning on his way to school, but he started taking a longer route which is an additional five minutes of walking. I know that the whole thing was a painful deal for him, so I never mention anything about it, but there were times when I would see a distance in his eyes that’s so mysterious and deep that I can’t help but to wonder what he’s thinking.

Now I know everything. I love my brother, but I found something that I shouldn’t have when I went through his journal. The first few pages are mostly complaints and thoughts of running away. This wasn’t all too new to me as he had threatened my mother with running away quite a few times, but he never actually did it until a month ago when he went missing for a few days and turned up on a train to Las Angeles (where my uncle lives). Archie was close with him, so he wanted to go and live with him, but my uncle didn’t even know that. He had made the decision all on his own as if he didn’t care whether or not he would end up homeless. He was brought back home by authorities and the sheriff was there, more cross than ever with him. Archie had gotten into a few fights in the past, mainly at school which was why he was suspended a month after Sean’s murder, but he’d never gone missing or ran away from home. This was a whole new side to him that the sheriff never saw, but the sheriff was rarely ever the one to deal with him.

It was a small town, so everyone knew everyone, but Archie was a mystery to everybody, even me. He was prone to having one-night-stands and drinking despite being underaged. It didn’t surprise me when he went missing because I knew that he was going to try to go through with it at some point, I just never expected him to get as far as he did. It just didn’t hit me that he was almost an adult now and that he knew how to get away with this kind of thing. He had been planning it all along and he understood that his uncle would likely say no to him moving in, but he wasn’t about to stay home either. Something in him had changed. He actually had the nerve to leave us, but he wasn’t gone long. After coming back, he and my mother had a heated discussion, but she just cried and told him that she was so worried about him. I don’t think he was expecting that because he began crying along with her and by the end of it, there was no swearing and cussing and yelling and trying to push each other away. In fact, they were embracing, my mother’s head on his shoulder, her cheeks streaming with tears, and her hand on his back.

His shoulders seemed so broad in that moment as though he had gotten older and they were shaking. He was sobbing and though I couldn’t see his face, I knew that he must’ve been red as a tomato. For once in his life, he was sorry. I’m not entirely sure what made him suddenly change his mind, but he’s become less rebellious since, as in he hasn’t gotten into any fights since that night. As I continued through the entries, I noticed that his handwriting was getting darker and sloppier than ever. He must’ve written these all out of anger or in a hurry.

‘03/03/18
Sean wasn’t at school today. I tried texting him, but he’s not answering. His phone sucks, so it’s probably dead, but no one’s seen him. I’m actually kind of worried about him, but whatever. He’s probably slacking off somewhere with a cig. I don’t care as long as he comes back tomorrow for my birthday. We (and by ‘we,’ I mean Sean, Vic, and I) are gonna get a few beers and play some Playstation at Vic’s house. My mom really wants me to spend my birthday at home, but I say screw that! I’m getting drunk and playing Black Ops!’

Not very surprising coming from Archie, but I still couldn’t believe that Vic was encouraging his drinking.

‘03/05/18
Sean was acting a little weird yesterday. We went to Vic’s and I asked him where he was the day before, but he wouldn’t tell me. We thought it might’ve been because he was screwing someone, so we kind of teased him. He took it too far though and started yelling saying that we didn’t know anything and that we should just stay out of his business. I’ve never seen him so sensitive over nothing. We were just joking around! I don’t know what was wrong with him, but I guess something bad must’ve happened yesterday. Whatever it was, it was enough to put him a little on edge. He stormed out and came back half an hour later looking better, but he didn’t really say much for the rest of the afternoon. It was like he was reflecting on something that neither of us could put our fingers on. Bit of a weird guy, isn’t he?
Anyways, not the best birthday I’ve ever had, but Vic hired a stripper which was pretty funny! She was really hot though and really nice, just not my type. We drank and Sean started going bonkers and threw up in the sink. He’s usually not so much of a lightweight, so Vic and I thought he was actually sick or something. Then he stopped vomiting and passed out on the couch. Something must’ve been really wrong with him or something because he looked really pale. He didn’t feel very hot when I checked his forehead, but I was drunk and slapped his cheek afterwards, so I can’t say that it was much validation. Something’s really wrong with him though and it’s not just his physical health. We all woke up this morning with hangovers (well, except Vic. He never gets hungover…) and Sean said something really weird about not wanting to go home.
My guess? He probably had a fight with his dad again. They’re always fighting every time he gets home and every time he leaves the house. It’s like a constant war between those two. I swear, every time I go there, they’re always poking at one another about something that pisses the both of them off. I don’t know everything that goes down between those two, but Sean really needs to calm down a bit. He just seems really off. I haven’t even seen him at school today. Weird, but whatever. He’ll get back up soon.’

Huh. So Sean was acting weird a month before he was murdered. That’s not surprising. Everyone saw that he was acting a bit strange, I just never knew exactly what was wrong with him. No one really did, but Archie’s suspicion that it might have something to do with his dad is what’s new. No one really talked about what was happening between he and his dad because Archie was the only person who knew about it besides them. It’s one of those things you just don’t pick up on because they hide it so well.

‘03/21/18
Sean’s been skipping school almost every day. He’s got the principal at his neck right now and even his dad has no idea where he goes during the day. Vic and I have been looking for him, but all that we’ve been able to find was his car near a drugstore. Otherwise, there was no trace of him. Even his cigs were gone. We went around the block to see if he was at Harvey’s or something, but nope. Nothing. He’s real weird, isn’t he? He just disappeared like something out of a movie. I’ve never seen him disappear like that in the ten years that we’ve been friends. I wonder if maybe he was drug dealing or something. I mean, it doesn’t really seem like something he’d do, but he’s not exactly the cleanest guy ever though. He smokes probably a pack of weed a day, but whatever right? He’s my friend and I just wanted to find him.
Whatever happened to him, I’m tired of going out after school to look for him, so he better show up soon. I hate sitting in Chemistry by myself.’
Okay, so he disappeared a few weeks before he was murdered. It was possible that he was probably drug dealing or just slacking off somewhere, but I did think it was weird that he was doing it without my brother or Vic. I’ve met Vic a few times before, but mostly because he came over sometimes. He hasn’t visited since Sean’s funeral, but he’s a cool kid, so it’s kind of a shame that he’s not around anymore. He moved in with his grandparents in San Francisco and I don’t think my brother’s spoken to him at all since. I wouldn’t doubt it if he hasn’t even sent him a text or a meme or even a like. The whole thing has really driven him away from other people and he seems really depressed like there’s always something on his back that he can’t get off. I guess that’s what happens when you lose your best friend.
‘04/01/18
So it turns out, Sean’s been dealing some heavy stuff to some of the kids at a different school (not gonna say the name in case someone else ends up reading this.) It’s kind of (curse word) up. I thought that he might be dealing weed to some of the other kids at our school (you know, freshman looking for some fun), but then yesterday I found him with a bag of marijuana. Mari-(curse word)-uana! I seriously can’t believe it! Sean is dealing an illegal drug to some kids he doesn’t even know from another school for money and he’s making a ton of profit off of it! I don’t know if I should congratulate him or beat him ‘till his healthcare can’t even cover it. I’m actually really pissed off right now. How? Why? What’s the point in it besides getting money? If he gets caught, he’ll have to forget about ever getting a scholarship and I’m gonna be that guy who has to act stupid and say that he didn’t know even though I’m his BEST (curse word) FRIEND!
I want to punch him and snap him out of it! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that dealing weed is fine either. In fact, I hate smoking and drugs that aren’t for medical reasons, I just don’t really think that weed is the worst possible thing to be dealing. But marijuana. That’s a whole other story. You can’t go to jail for smoking weed outside on the balcony, but you can for smoking marijuana. I really hope he’s not actually putting that stuff in his body or I’m gonna be even more pissed off than I already am. That would just be the cherry on top of the cake that is my messed up friends.'

Wow. So Sean was dealing marijuana to some kids at another school and my brother was really upset about it. It’s not a shocker since my brother cared a lot about Sean and his friends, I just didn’t think he would ever get angry at him for anything. That’s never happened before as far as I know, so reading this entry was interesting for me and made me wish I could ask my brother if he was still upset about it. It was the next entry that made me realize that something was wrong. I told you at the beginning that I had found something in my brother’s journal, this is it.

‘04/05/18
I don’t know what happened. When I’m done writing this, I’m gonna hide it somewhere secret where no one will ever find it or just burn it to ashes, but I did something really really bad and I have to let it out or I don’t know what I might do. I have to tell someone, so here it is. Sean disappeared again yesterday to meet up with some kid who wanted some of his stuff, a freshman I think, but Vic told me that he followed him this time and saw him walk into a dollar store with the drugs in his jeans. He followed him into the store and watched as he walked into the bathroom. Then the freshman walked out from the farthest isle wearing a blue hoodie and went into the bathroom a few seconds later. Neither of them came out until a few minutes later when Sean walked out. He got into his car and started smoking a cigarette. The kid came out about a minute later and it turned out to be this really popular lacrosse player at another school. He was dealing to athletes.
He texted me this just as the kid got into his car. I don’t know how the kid got there (probably by taking the bus), but he dropped the kid off and then drove back home instead of going to school. Vic was following him the whole time with his car. I decided to skip class and drive to Sean’s house to talk some sense into him. Dealing to some regular kids is still serious, but dealing to athletes is even more serious and he could end up having a longer jail sentence if he got caught. I got there and Vic’s car was still in the driveway. I could hear them inside yelling at each other, so I ran inside to stop them before things got any more serious. Sean was high and he looked completely out of it. His eyes were red as hell and his hair stuck out like crazy. He was acting like a complete maniac! I tried to get in between them just as they started throwing fists and he ended up punching me in the cheek. I got piping mad and punched him back, but I just wanted to get him to stop.
I didn’t think he would get so vicious. I didn't know what he was gonna do. I didn’t know anything. I don’t even know how to fight for that matter. He started screaming and tried to swing at me, but I moved out of the way just in time to dodge him and he hit the table. He sort of groaned ‘cause he hit it with his chest, so I thought he was seriously hurt and tried to help him up and get him back, but he just kept swinging! He was screaming like crazy and I didn’t know what to do. I got scared, okay? I was so freaking scared and I just wanted him to calm down, but the idiot wouldn’t stop lashing out and screaming, so I punched him again and he hit the ground. I seriously thought it was over that time ‘cause it took him a second to get back to his feet and he stopped and looked down at his feet. I thought he was gonna calm down, but then he looked up at me with these insanely angry eyes and charged at me. Vic got in the way and trapped him in a headlock, but Sean just kept kicking and punching him.
He bit him so hard that Vic started bleeding and let go of him. I knew this was getting really out of hand, so I ran to the kitchen when I saw him starting to run for me. I only took out the knife from the drawer to warn him. I didn’t want to actually hurt him. I never meant anything by it. I just wanted to scare him and get him to calm down a little, but it only made him angrier. I was kind of going crazy too. For a second, it was like I was actually thinking about killing him. I can’t explain it. It was this murderous tension that I felt in my gut. It was like I just wanted him dead. He had said some pretty mean things to me before and ever since he started smoking and dealing, I didn’t know who he was anymore. I wanted to kill the person that possessed my best friend. I don’t know what was wrong with him! He was higher than a kite! I don’t know what he was smoking or what he was taking, but by the looks of it, it was more than just weed and marijuana. Those don’t make you go completely insane. He was probably one some kind of stimulant like cocaine or something because he was acting way too wack for one cigarette. I can’t explain it. It wasn’t him at all. It was an animal going out of control. It was evil. It was murderous. It wanted blood. There’s really no other way to describe it.
He was completely out of his (curse word) mind! So I gave the knife a few swings, but that didn’t really intimidate him. I remember thinking, ‘Why won’t he stop? What is he doing? Is he trying to kill us?’ and then Vic came in and tried hitting him with a liquor bottle, but he missed by barely an inch and Sean turned toward him and started strangling him with his hands. I had to do something, okay? Vic’s my best friend too and I had so much adrenaline going through me that I felt like I was about to burst apart like something out of a 90’s horror movie. So I lunged at him with the knife. I just wanted to cut him, but slicing his back wasn’t enough and I could tell that he was aiming to kill Vic. He would’ve, so I stabbed him. I don’t want to go into how it felt. I’m not a psychopath. I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t think. I didn’t feel. I just pulled it out and suddenly there was blood everywhere and Sean was bending over.
I thought that was finally going to be the end of it. I thought that we were gonna get him to a hospital and he would live, but then he tackled me and I was so shocked and terrified that I did it again, but I drove it into his back and then that didn’t work, so I stuck it against his neck. He started screaming at me and trying to throw a punch, so my hand slipped as he moved and sliced his bicep. He let out a scream, but he didn’t back off of me. He tried swinging again with his other arm and I just went for it. I didn’t know what else to do. No matter how hard I pushed him, he was stronger than me and there was more adrenaline in his system, so I drove the knife into his stomach again and then tried to push him off of me. I was successful and stood up with the help of Vic who was still trying to catch his breath behind me. He stumbled and tried to run to us again, but he slipped on blood and hit the floor with a painful blow. He was still trying to get up. After everything we did, he was still trying to kill us. It was insane. You have no idea how horrible it was to see that and to know that Sean wasn’t there anymore. You have no idea what it’s like to kill your best friend. No one knows.
I’m so (curse word) scared! He just got right back up and this time, I knew that we couldn’t get him to the hospital. He had gone psycho, so right as he started running again, I lunged at him and put the knife to his throat. He kneeled me in the stomach, but I still had a grip on him and I was suddenly surprised by the kick. The knife slid and looking back up, I don’t want to talk about what I saw. His eyes sort of flickered and then I backed away and that flicker was gone. He dropped to the floor so limply and I didn’t know what to do. I killed my best friend. I killed Sean. What am I supposed to tell his parents? Mom? My sister? Everyone? What am I supposed to say! What was I supposed to do! It’s getting dark now. Sean’s family doesn’t have any cameras in the house, so we didn’t need to worry about any of those, but we did have an hour before his parents would probably get home, so we decided that instead of burying him, we would put his body in the trunk of Vic’s car until we could figure out what to do with it. He was really heavy. God, he was my best friend. What have I done?
What am I gonna do? I don’t know if I should turn myself in or hide. If I turn myself in, Vic will go to prison with me and he’s my friend. I don’t want him to get in trouble for something that I did. If I hide, no one will know what I did and both Vic and I will have a chance to live our lives, but justice won’t be served for Sean. Who did it to him will remain a question for everyone else and we’ll have to keep running away. It’ll be something we have to carry with us for the rest of our lives. We’re never gonna get over this. We’re never gonna forget it. Oh my God, what do we do? What if we get caught? What if someone opens the trunk before we can find a place to bury him?
What if people start asking questions and don’t believe us when we start lying to them? Maybe we don’t have to lie entirely. We could say that he was on drugs and we found him there when we got home, but then we’d become the prime suspects. They’d ask us why we didn’t run away if we told the truth and I can’t just say that it’s because I suddenly felt like I hated him and butchered him for becoming such a (curse word). We could say that he cornered us, which he did, but then they would ask why I stabbed him more than once and why once he was down, we didn’t just run away instead of letting him get back up again. Even Vic wouldn’t be able to think up an excuse for that one. I’m gonna talk to him in the morning to see what we can do, but for now we’re crashing at his cousin’s house until we can calm down.’

Oh my God. After reading this horrendous explanation of what happened, I sat in my room for about three hours shaking and trying to come up with what I should do. My brother was a senior in high school and was ready to graduate and go to college, so why this? What was with this sudden and horrifying discovery? Why did I have to read it? Why did I have to let my curiosity get the best of me? I thought he was going to write about how much he missed Sean and how much he wished he could hunt down his killer, but I’m instead greeted by the confessions of a killer. I opened my door and walked down the hallway to get some water from the faucet to calm my nerves and glanced at my brother’s school picture from the eighth grade hanging on the wall next to mine. He was wearing glasses and had a grinning mouth full of braces, but he had never seemed so terrifying.
I never thought of my brother as someone who would do something like that. I never thought he would kill someone and yet, there the confession was in sloppy and inky handwriting in the journal hidden in his desk. I was just looking for his pencil case so I could borrow one and instead I found my brother guilty of murder. He had said that before he did it, he felt a sudden hatred for Sean and felt like he wanted to kill him. He said that he wanted him dead. Did he really mean it? Did he mean to kill him? I stared at the photograph for a long time and there was an abrupt moment of sadness where I realized just how much of my world was shattering apart. Archie no longer looked like Archie. He looked sinister and mysterious and dangerous. He looked like every other killer in history, but it was him, so why? Why did he have to do it? I understood that Sean had attacked him and Vic, but why didn’t they run away?

Why didn’t they just tackle him or call the police? Why did they have to put up a fight? It was because Archie didn’t realize how upset he was with Sean. He didn’t realize just how much he despised him so deep inside and that was his way of showing it. He didn’t do it out of self defence. He did it because he felt that it was what he wanted. He killed his best friend because he wanted to.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?