I was

I was...what was I?

I was happy.

I was free.

I had such a rush of a year

That I forgot...everything else.

Full steam ahead

Days blurring

Like a train.

Plowing through.

I warned myself.

I didn't think too hard about it, though.

Fun and games.

Laughter.

And wasn't it great.

I was happy

Until I remember what's important to me.

I brushed off last year -

"Ugh yeah, it wasn't that great, now I actually know what's the best and it wasn't that" -

But I miss it.

I miss it a lot.

I don't regret this year...

I regret pushing everyone away.

A friend group,

Shattered,

Torn by different interests.

I need each

And every

One of them.

My support system, right?

Wasn't it?

I was happy.

I was happy

Even earlier this year.

I was happy because of how shallow it seemed

But how deep it turned out to be.

Boundless love for one another,

Disguised by snarky sarcasm burn battles.

Now I'm...stuck.

Again.

I did it

Again.

Closing off.

Nothing I can do.

You all just got too close,

And so...out.

I push you out

With icy walls

Away from me.

It's for the best, you know.

My own selfish stupidity

Never saved me -

But it made it the same

Instead of worse.

I was happy.

Now I don't know how to be.