If Only...

If … I can't help but replay that one moment over and over in my head…The “if only”... echoing, bouncing around like a voice echoing against the walls of the grand canyon, empty…”if only”. If only I had slowed down If only I had spoken the right words. If only I reached out to someone…The endless cycle continues, long after I've gone to bed, keeping me awake, keeping my thoughts tagged, in a spider web of regret. If only I did this, if only I did that…If…only.

It was supposed to be a small, simple decision, right? But, those are the ones that hit the hardest, aren't they? The ones you didn't realize were the turning point of regret, but it's too late…if only I said…I love you…instead of the dreadful goodbye…would that really change anything? If only… i said that combination of words… to be able to gather the courage to say… I love you…I'm sorry. If only…i had the courage…if only.

I could have gone to my last basketball game, with my friends, that i've known my whole life, or to that football banquet…but instead i didn't listen to my head, my heart was leading me…i went to that party, with that girl, betraying my friends, my teammates, my coaches, my brothers, the ones I had grown with, since 4th grade…if only…if only I could turn back time, to make all these “mistakes” go away. That if only…grows heavier and heavier… like a burden on my back…forever increasing…because…if only.

Maybe then I would have experienced the feeling of winning a championship…maybe then I would realize how much life would've been better, if only I didn't accept that friend request…if only I had less “ifs” and more “I dids” I would have such a different life…

But what's the point of thinking about it now? The decision is made. DONE. no going back. I'm not at the basketball game or that football banquet. I chose love over brotherhood, a feeling of regret passed over me as i realized what I had done…I had betrayed the only people besides my family…who would fight every single inch of life with me…now I, stuck, playing out different lives in my head, wondering what would have happened if I just had been…braver.

And again, that voice, in the back of my head. The nagging. Constant whispers that tell me I'm still not good enough. If only it could be better...something. But what?

I wish I could turn off the "if only" switch... It's exhausting, this unrelenting chase after a choice I can't change. Maybe one day I'll accept that some things are just meant to be as they are. But for now, I'll keep thinking ... if only …