i'll laugh at this someday

"I have a feeling, a terrible fear encroaching

That I'll never love a boy

The way I love the ocean."

-Maya Hawke, "To Love a Boy"

            and i'm trying to breathe

but my lungs are thick and full 

           already. i'm trying to wait,

but everyone has gone home

          already. i dig my nails into

my palms and make

           crescent moons and pretend

i don't want

what i want. 

            i hear them all talk

nervously, with sugar on their breath

           and want to disappear

into their milky eyes because

             they don't see

what i see.

             and they laugh

when i say i'll never find somebody.

            and they smell

like roses and pebbles and sun.

           and their hands

are soft from being touched.

             and i want

to be touched.