It's My Fault And There Are No Excuses

I really hate it,

being the one who messed up

the one who ruined the relationship

the bad guy

the person someone vents about because I was someone they used to love

we all have weapons 

swords and daggers we hide behind our backs

scared to let others know we have them

but we all know that they're there

in fact we go through every possible weapon one could have

before letting them come too close 

the funny thing about proximity 

is it works both ways

the distance from A to B and B to A are equal

it takes trust from both sides to grow close

weapons are also funny things

the closer you are to one 

the more it hurts

at 3 feet all a sword can do is give a scratch 

but from 6 inches away it can take a life, pierce a heart 

What happens when the sword is infinitely close?

When taking revenge all a person thinks about is what they are avenging

But what about who?

Because the black mark stands out more than any white ones

(I don't think I am getting my point across)

If a boy hits his girlfriend it's more than reasonable for her to break up

and the boy can't mourn his loss because it was his fault

(That still isn't very clear)

If someone purposely murders a person, they aren't allowed to cry over the lost life, at least not right after, that doesn't make sense

(That's better)

But what if I'm the one I hurt,

I never let anyone get so close they could kill me

but my own hands led my own dagger to cut me to parts

and I can't mourn my loss 

no one will mourn with me

because it's not like a random dagger flew and stabbed me

or someone said boo and I jumped causing a knife to slip and cut off my leg

no cartwheel that was supposed to be safe simply went sideways

I can't be upset with my broken bones and torn off limbs 

because they are my fault

my hand led the knife to my skin

my brain confirmed the action

and I have no excuses

no escape 

I tried to make one wound better with another 

knowing it would only make the pain worse

so why am I so mad at the pain I'm in

it's my fault

the pain was preventable

I could have let my skin heal and finally become whole

but know

I had to go and pick the scabs 

deepen the cuts

What a spiral

and all because I didn't use my time well

I'm sorry this poem is really messy and doesn't have a clear train of thought.