On life & deservings

I want to go home

but what is home, anyway

when I'm scared of my feelings because I'm not perfect so the resentment grows

resentment of myself

resentment of others

is that all I am?

A joker?

A resentful joker?

Making life funny because nothing is?

The entire world could go up in flames because of the idiot in charge

bombings and fear

I don't want to live in that world
I don't know what I want

I thought I had a life plan

I don't

nothing goes according to plan and when

your life is a plan

nothing's working

I want to go home where there's no homework or stress

when I can be sick and not judged

I just want to go home

but not home home

just... home

wherever that is to me

I kinda just want to leave

all I ever do is hide

why should I change if my changes will never be enough for anyone?

Worksheet after worksheet on time

with threes stamped on

my supposed area of expertise 

that's not good enough

what, oh what, do I deserve?

Because if it's this

the tenth layer of hell never was high school

it was life

and now I'm ranting about fifty different topics

you know what I'm tired

I'M

FREAKING

TIRED

OF

CARING

OF GETTING HURT
AND WALKED ALL OVER

AND MY LIFE IS BETTER THAN A LOT OF OTHERS'

BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE CRAP

AND IT FEELS LIKE NO ONE CARES

BECAUSE I'M TOO UPTIGHT

I'M TOO SENSITIVE

I'M THE PROBLEM

im everyones problem

and it kills me to write that like that because what is life if you can't control your grammar?

What is life if you can't control anything?

What is life if you give in?

is that good enough for you?

That this thing won't go away and I'm scared it never will?

The ghost of a longing I felt so strongly

my neuropathways are wired to draw everything to you

my neuropathways are broken 

                                                                                    just like me

just like us all

maybe it was all in my head

an idea I'll never realize

no one's perfect

I try to be

my life is just trying

and trying hurts

I'm sore all over

maybe I don't deserve it

this delusional fantasy of happiness

maybe no one does

maybe you were right that love doesn't matter

if life's a game

what's the prize?

Why does anyone play?

Why do I play?

Right now

i dont remember