A Life I No Longer Want

my life was almost normal—
 the kind of life
 i used to dream about
 when i was little.

i had friends.
 i laughed more.
 i breathed easier.

for once,
 i was happy.

but perfect
 was never meant
 for me.

so of course
 it collapsed.

my friends are fading.
 (or maybe i am.)
 we don't talk.
 or if we do—
 it’s like glass shattering
 every time i speak.

i've gone quiet.

not peaceful quiet.
 terrified quiet.
 please-don’t-hate-me quiet.

i feel like a ghost
 in a world i almost fit in.
 too loud.
 too fake.
 too me.

i hate
 how hard i try to be
 someone worth loving.

and now,
 i finally see
 what they saw.

why they left.
 why they whispered.
 why they gave up on me.

i’m becoming
 everything i swore i’d never be—
 becoming her.

the version of me
 who looks in the mirror
 and asks:

why does everyone hate you?
 why is it always you?

my grades are screaming.
 my hands shake in silence.
 my smile is a mask
 that doesn’t fit anymore.

i'm dying.
 not all at once—
 just slowly enough to notice.

from the inside.
 from the life
 that was perfect
 for one
 goddamn
 week.

a life
 i no longer want.