A list of all the things I know I'll never get to have

I just want someone

To hold me like you did,

But in a way I'm not suffocating

Under their poisonous grip. 

I want to fall in love,

As October comes into focus;

Running through those woods,

Thinking about why we feel so Hocus Pocus,

And listening to that one song by Donovan on repeat. 

Why can't I be someone's girl

They commit to for real this time?

Autumn comes with new beginnings,

And falling so hard it's like a crime. 

Bring me chocolate milk in a mug,

Or a jug, or some cute container I'll obsess over. 

Dance with me to my own songs,

Even though they sound like closure. 

I've never really felt love

In the middle of my favorite time of the year,

Surrounded by pounds of pumpkin spice,

And girl in red lyrics I can't get out of my ears. 

I need to know that fluttery feeling

Like it's the back of my scarred hand. 

And as Heartstopper is playing on the screen,

I long to be held close even if they don't understand. 

I hope someone can see how happy 

Autumn makes me feel;

How my style is becoming more sound,

And the leaves are still turning brown,

And when that person comes, I won't turn back around.