Looking back at my photos on an old walkman at 9 p.m.

Sack race

thirteenth birthday party

start of seventh grade.

My two BFFs since kindergarten,

the one that slipped in from fourth grade,

the two I met in fifth -

then of course my party girlfriends

two of them at least

a year younger

and then the boys

the G Bros

one of whom I'd broken up with a day prior

the other one never failed to crack me up.

So we had a good time

the guys separated themselves

it was like oil to water

we just weren't mixing

they wanted their boy time

I wanted my party to all be together

it was awkward, yes.

So we had this sack race

I viewed it last night on an old walkman

saw all of us in sacks

hopping

eagerly

grinning laughing jumping falling over

we all looked... so much younger

before deep voices and razors and makeup

when we were all together

a remnant from sixth grade... an overhang.

Everyone ran and hopped to the finish

the G Bros cheated

I remember it was at the beach so the guys took off their shirts

and everyone freaked out

it was all in good fun, really

I miss when we all trusted each other enough

when we weren't insecure.

And I saw all of these people

all of these kids

all of these friends and realized

I traded this group

for one person.

I traded a friend group I'd built from scratch 

pulling people around me

weaving us together

and when we all came into our own

when we realized we had to be our own people

not just parties and hangouts and movie nights and crushes

things we felt so strongly...

they were dangerous, sometimes

nothing too crazy but we were young

and what we felt

pulled us apart

until we began to search for ourselves.

We lost each other in the process

I threw everything away because I felt something in seventh grade and I chased it as hard and as fast as I could

something I still can't even conceive

I know this is all for the better

but...

sometimes I miss running into the sun

falling over dragging each other

piling into a big group

sometimes I miss having an "everyone"

and not just a few stragglers who try to satisfy my impossible standards

it's not that I'm not grateful...

I guess I just miss when we were younger.