lunch table thoughts II

i was the first to the lunch table today,

i usually am the first.

but when no one came,

i was dumbfounded.

where is everyone??

i thought,

aimlessly looking around at everyone who found their group.

my brows furrow.

i'm guessing they left me.

i thought.

of course they did,

they wouldn't care if i was dead in a car wreck!

...maybe that was a little too far...

i tapped my finger anxiously on the table.

like i always think,

i need new friends.

friends that would care if i were dead in a car wreck.

the gleaming faces are far away and scattered around the cafeteria,

none of them are my friends.

i sigh.

my friends left me,

they don't care.

they never will care.

i think.

but then,

another odd thought pops in my mind.

i ruined it all,

i ruined it all with my anxiety,

my screaming and yelling at them to care for me,

like i'm a weak child.

i set my head down a few times,

i lift it up again,

and back down again,

and up,

and down.

i really realllyy need to cry.

one thought says.

nonono,

don't cry,

you'll look weak.

wait till you get home.

another one says.

which i did do.

the table shifts,

and i see someone across from me.

her bag rustles and she smiles.

danni!

a thought echoed in my mind.

danni is here for me,

she would care if i were dead in a car wreck,

she would question where i was at a fun event,

danni's my friend!

we exchanged hellos,

and she asks,

"where are your people?"

and i shrug.

i don't know,

and i do. not. care.

she invites me to her table,

and i finally feel no need to cry.

maybe i'll sit here

i think.

just maybe.