Musicianship

Fine, I'm scared

I don't want to be the last chair one

the one who's good anywhere else but bad here

I want to belong

you all practice every day and all the time

and it circulates around you

and you spend time to play together

and I want to too

but I can't do that nonstop

does that make me any less of a musician?

I think it does

just because I can't sit there with my emotions hidden

like a robot

and not crack jokes

and play perfectly technically precisely

I can't sit there for two days in a row staring down at my music

and making it work for me

I just can't do that

I fidget 

I want to hang out just to hang out

I talk to people

I'm here for friends

too

so.

Does that make me any less of a musician?