Never again

I hate that all that's left

of your memory

is a couple of Polaroids

A couple of photos I snapped because I didn't know what else to take photos of

I hate that.

Nothing could ever capture your spirit

nothing

my room feels so empty now

I have to keep myself company

I don't know how

I don't like myself very much 

most of the time

I keep your water bowl clean and filled

I am never throwing it away

we are never getting another cat

never never never

and I don't want anyone else in my room or on my bed

playing in the blankets

ever again if it's not you

never again.

My first instinct still

is to banish low-hanging plants 

dogs

from my room because of you

you're not here anymore

I still keep them away

you wouldn't want them in here

with you

with us

us

that's how it always was

and I was crying on the floor and you looked so helpless

trapped by your brain

I don't know what happened

none of us do

and I was sobbing so hard I couldn't speak and when I did

I said "I love you"

"I love you"

"I love you"

"Always"

"I will always love you"

"I love you"

I couldn't say it enough

it would never be enough

it broke my heart that you were in that foreign place

and I had to go into school

and you were alone and then you were gone

you had to be gone

and I wasn't there for it

I couldn't be

oh, girl

I love you so much