not ok.

the insanity causing my brain to deflate
like an old bike tire that's rolled over one to many nails in the road
or a cake that never received the leavening required to make it rise in the first place
constantly forced to deal with the endless noise
that simmers beneath the surface
of an unexplored lake 
full of thoughts and feelings
that terrify me 
and yet entangle me in their alluring promises 
too entrancing to let go of
but too intimidating to embrace 
reaching out
but falling backwards
tumbling down the endless abyss of insanity
and small cuckoo clocks
that drown out all screams
and pleas
with the beating estigma 
of stress
and mounting fear of what's to come
each second of the future 
becoming the past
with every tick
and every tock
while i approach the slow inevitable end
busying my fingers with color in the meantime
scribbling words on the walls as i plumet downwards
drowning the feelings that bubble up like carbonation 
in the indulgent stress-foods 
and insensitive jokes of my peers
within the husk of the person i have become
is a small spark of who i was
barely hanging on to what i find pride in 
scarcely making the cut 
shaking inwardly whenever i have to speak
fearing the hateful laughter
and prodding comments 
that have haunted me since the beginning
the fear and self hatred a wild animal
clawing at the inside of my stomach
shredding everything i've built to pieces
and feeding me lies 
that will never sustain me like the truth did
lost in all of what others see
their opinions of me
becoming my skin
my shell
while i silently suffer
just wanting to scream my lungs out
until my voice is gone
and somebody finally understands
that no
im not ok
constantly stuck with myself
having to mend the torn fabric of my mind
when it doesn't want to be put back together
because 
i'm scared.