not right now.

i just want to collapse on the floor
and drown myself in all the words
that pour out of me 
and wrap me up in their meaning
suffocating me in the silence
pain i can't fix with medication 
something i can't repair with all the carpentry tools in the world
the empty eats at everything
pulls what little bit of my happiness is left
into a black hole of regret
and wanting to end everything
just so the lack of sound
will stop screaming in my head
so these tired lungs can rest 
and i can be free 
from the weight of people's hopes and dreams
their love of me because of who they lost
this fear creeping up on me
in the corner of my eye
i see it growing off my pain
the way the shadows under your childhood bed seemed to grow
and blanket you in a cold sweat of pure terror
the way the dark circles under my eyes
turn a shade of fresh bruise
and my weary head 
just wants to fall into my pillows
but i can't fall asleep
for once the blankets embrace me
the tears won't stop pouring down my face
i don't know why
i only feel the hurt
that was welled up inside
gushing out of me
and spilling all over my sheets
tangled up in emotion 
and the thin cotton of my faded t shirt
as i cling to the baren hope
that maybe i 
will be ok
sometime
just not
right now.