papercuts

I sit in class, 12:19

Staring at the yellow walls.

Your face fills my mind. 

I can't help but think of you after this week

It was so complicated yet so perfect.

I had writer's block, but the second I remember your name, your laugh

The words come flooding back.

I brush my finger against my paper,

It's the test I'm supposed to be taking.

But how can I think when I will see you next week?

How can I focus when I know that I will text you tonight?

I still remember the feeling of your hand when we high-fived.

You smiled so big when you saw me.

I can't stop replaying those thirty seconds.

12:28 now, 

Still staring at that ugly yellow wall.

I reminisce on the time you continued to text me, even though it was midnight and you had an essay to work on.

Your sister keeps asking who I like, and I smile for half a second,

Then I tell her, "No one, I swear."

I hate to lie to her like this, but I know she'd judge me so much.

She stops pushing for an answer, but now she gives me judgmental looks.

I feel guilt clouding my vision,

My legs and hands start to shake 

My eyes begin to water.

Because I feel so bad, what if your girlfriend found out?

What if you found out I still like you as much as I do?

What would I do?

I just can't keep this bottled up this time.

I keep brushing my finger against the paper,

Hoping to calm some of the nerves.

You aren't even in the room.

The guy next to me taps my shoulder, looking at this poem.

"Who's that about? Huh? Tell me!" 

I don't tell him.

I'm worried he would tell you, he might judge me, so I keep my mouth shut.

My foot tap, tap, taps against the floor of this dirty classroom, so that I can keep the words in.

I play back every moment with you that I can remember,

And I start to feel angry with myself.

Why are you the main topic in all of the poems, the stories?

You aren't even thinking of me right now.

Wait, are you?

Can you feel the emotions I feel right now? 

All four million of them?

I set the paper down,

My headache grows, and I start to wonder why I put myself through this.

Why do I do this, and why is it every day?

I talk about you with such passion,

And you barely even mention me.

Or do you?

I pick the paper back up, brushing my thumb against it.

My heart does a little jump when I see you,

But then my brain corrects the excitement,

And I feel lost again.

We act almost like a couple, but the title with you remains absent.

Because you chose her over the summer, 

Even after you told me that there was a chance.

A chance for my dream to come true.

At my orchestra concert the other night,

And when I sat upon that stage, my first thought was to look for you.

I always wonder if you think I'm pretty, 

I mean, I wonder if you like it when I'm dressed all nice.

I like it when we make eye contact before I play,

When I fight the urge to wave, because everyone would notice,

And that isn't concert-appropriate.

I brush my thumb against the paper,

"Ow!"

Papercut.

I spot the blood and realize

The constant rejection, the reminders that you and I will never be an "us," 

The pain from all of that reminds me of that from a papercut,

Small yet so painful.

I stare at the cut, 

And I wonder,

What if I told you I had a boyfriend now? 

One that actually had feelings for me?

We both know it's a lie,

But would you feel the pain of a small papercut?

The jealousy, would it seep through you as it does me?

I don't want to cause you pain,

But you said the same thing after ripping my heart straight out of my chest,

And giving it millions of papercuts.

You say that you care for me more than you ever thought you would,

Yet you don't seem to care enough to answer right away,

Even when you are free.

But I will never paint your heart with papercuts.

I love our late-night conversations when I am supposed to be sleeping,

And I love telling you about my day.

We text for hours and hours, 

But each second that you don't respond reopens another cut that I thought was healed.

I've ruined my life for you

And I'd do it again, over and over,

Until you notice that I'd reopen old cuts until I bled dry, just to show you how much I care.

I can't imagine the last two years without you because

Honestly, my whole world revolved around you.

Perfect grades because impressing you was awesome,

I changed my style and my schedule just so you would notice me.

Everyone says, "Don't ever change yourself for anyone," but I would change all of me in a heartbeat for you.

But I would never ask you to change yourself.

Don't underestimate the things I would do.

The guilt is now a cloud, 

Hovering over me every time you cross my mind.

I thought I could move on by liking someone else, but I think everyone knows how well that went.

I mean, it's just so much,

We are like the same person; we both want the same things,

For the most part.

My friends are so tired of hearing about you,

I can tell.

They say that it's okay,

That they like hearing the stories,

But they no longer react the way they did a year ago.

I try to stop obsessing over you, for their sake, but I just can't.

I can't let you go when you are so perfect.

So maybe I should just stop obsessing

Over something I won't ever have

It's worthless, dreaming up this insane fantasy

So once again, I'm ending a poem, or maybe a chapter of my life.

Ha, what a joke.

I won't ever forget this.