Phones

I am with my best friend, at her kitchen table, trying to tell her about a hard time I'm having.

"Uh huh," she says, barely acknowledging my plight. I look at her with annoyance in my eyes, but she doesn't even see it. This amazing girl, of 14 years, spends so much time on her phone, she is addicted, when she has so much potential to do otherwise. But looking at myself... it's the same, an average screen time of 5 hours and 30 minutes- I could be doing so much more with that time.

"Can you like... get off your phone? Let's hang out!" I ask, knowing that if she agrees it will only be for a few minutes. And the unfortunate thing, we are so close, almost like sisters, that she says no, or doesn't realize it's that big of a deal.

At school, phones are "banned". When they weren't, the lunchroom was a lot quieter. Even then, I wanted real interactions. But now, when phones are stripped from us, I begin to realize the necessity of them. Lunch is hell- it's too loud, people always pretend to be nice, but give you those side eyes, and it's just overstimulating. A phone allows escape, it makes me not have to focus on eye contact, conversation rules, and the imaginary, and untold, but somehow very existent societal expectations for teenagers. 
"I'll be right back." I tell my friends, as overwhelm clutches my chest. I run to the bathroom, where I text my mom, in secret. 

"Mom, I'm so nauseous and I can't eat and it's too loud, I don't want to be at lunch." I send. Her response comes within seconds, "It's almost over, just stick it out." Even with the use of phones, where I can immediately talk to others who are far away, the distance, especially emotionally, is so evident. But would I rather this emotional distance, that feels like a lack of care, or would I prefer not being able to talk at all? How would I ask to stay late afterschool? Coordinate plans with friends?

I've said numerous times at school, I'm fine with not using phones, but at least let us have them on us. I enjoy the face to face interactions, but in moments of destress, I want to text my mom, even if her response is lacking the emotional support I want. In this day of American schools becoming less and less safe, I want to be able to text her during a true emergency, or call the police, or document what is going on. 

But I also want to live. I see phones becoming sources of anxiety, having to keep Snap Streaks, having to text others all the time, worrying about where the phone is, worrying about Instagram posts, and the likes, comments, and opinions that come with it. Hypocritically, I am complaining about people being obsessed about their phones, when I wouldn't be willing to go to school without mine.

"It's different," I say, but in reality, we are finding these technological devices, that are inches tall and inches wide, more important, more valuable, than the face to face conversations and interactions we have with those around us. More important than the people that we love. We use them as a crutch, but we lean on it too much. How can I start to live? How can we start to live?