a poem for a friend

you said I was good at everything today
you listed things you've seen me excel at 
and you seemed to find this frustrating. 

little do you know
just how much 
I struggle
to reach out
to feel safe
to find trust

little do you know 
the suffering that I've gone through
getting yanked up
year 
after year
pulled away from my futile attempt to grow roots
i've been replanted too many times
and now
I grow sideways

little do you know 
how many times 
I've tried to make my words perfect
my phrases flawless
but failed
thrown away 
and started over

little do you know
just how much abandoned art 
half finished sketches
scribbled out designs 
and forgotten paintings
sit in the drawers of my desk

little do you know
about the cookies 
with the salt instead of sugar
or the pie
that tasted like cardboard

little do you know
how I feel guilty 
and confused
about being a sibling
and how many times
I've ignored their existence 
because I felt selfish

I want you to know
that I'm not perfect 
and never will be.
but I try 
to be the best that I can be.

I want you to know
that I wish the same for you 
i want you to thrive and grow
to learn and live
to be happy 
and feel the way you need to feel.

and I want you to know
that I'm proud to call you my friend.
because you 
are amazing 
you listen 
and smile
and laugh 
and understand. 
your smart 
and your kind.
I could write a million poems
about how amazing you are. 
my best friend.
that's what you are. 

as long as you want to be