Punching waves

My therapist told me not to punch waves

I think it was supposed to be a metaphor

I don't punch waves

I throw myself into them

Relentlessly

Until I can't feel the pain

And the stars have fallen and cut my skin to crystal

And the ocean has splashed salt over all my wounds

And the sand cuts my feet until I bleed with raw emotion

Until I am indestructible

Like I guess I'm supposed to be

This world wasn't made for me

For people like me

I guess I have to be invincible

To survive here

Tangled like I don't know

Feverish like what was and I can't tell the difference

Delirious like I'm so tired

So tired

Of punching waves

And I say

I want to go home

When I am home

It's like thunder in my chest

Will I ever belong?

Where is home?

I guess home was at ADL in that low-ceilinged band room

For the two best days of my life

But I guess then I'll never have home again

Will I die trying or give up?

What's left of me isn't here

It's far away unreachable

Because I'm out punching waves at midnight

Fighting the inevitable

I guess that's who I am

Sorry, therapist

I never could change

I'm just so tired

Of punching waves