Running away

The second I feel

Used or neglected

Abandoned or judged

Hated or pitied

Is the second I slip away.

Even if it's in my own head

And not real.

Even if you were trying to love me.

If I feel that you don't

If I feel that you couldn't

I build a wall.

And you can feel it, can't you

You can feel it come up.

You can feel my boundaries around myself and

I know I've shared too much and

I want to trust you but I

Think I should

Know better.

I know you just want to be there for me

And I want you to be

But it's never going to be good enough for my

Annoying

Brain.

So I withdraw from whatever is close to me

And I hide away

From what is hurting me.

That means I

Withdraw from

You.

I don't want to

Because you are perfect -

But sometimes

I feel I have no choice.

I don't want

To get hurt.

And I know you would never hurt me -

Intentionally -

And I know that

I do

I do 

I do.

But it feels like

You could never love me

Nearly as much as I love you

And so

I run away 

Which hurts even more

But I can never win at this stuff.

I'm bad at loving people

And I'm bad at letting them love me

And I know you deserve better

And I know you

And I know

I know

I know.

I will try

For you.

I will try to be brave

And be with you

Because I know we don't have that much time left

And I want to make this forever.

I will try

But I don't know if 

I can do it.