sophomore

She wakes in the early morning

And stares at the wall across from her 

A sense of fear overtakes her

Beginning in the pit of her stomach

And spreading to each limb

Coating her in feeling 

An awful feeling

That wants to kill

To consume 

In her head 

A plan has been made

To talk to that guy

To smile

And make eye contact

And tell him she’s interested 

She plans these encounters

And acts like tomorrow will be different

But it never is

And now it's time

Between 4th and 5th period

When they cross paths in the hallway

His milky blue eyes

Stare straight ahead

Almost as if he’s trying to avoid her gaze 

Her heart breaks

As she smiles at the wrong kid

And curses herself for messing up 

And then one day

He’s gone

Gone back to wherever he came from

And they never even had a conversation. 

It’s now clear

That she did nothing for months

Never took a chance

Never said “what if it worked”

She just hid

And pretended she wasn’t heartbroken 

Every time she thought about how he didn’t meet her gaze

She’s says she’s different now

Even though it’s still so hard to take a risk 

But if you want something enough

You’ll try 

She knows that now

The least she could have done was try. 

If she was bold enough 

To say hi

Maybe it all would be different 

But life goes on. 

She calls herself lucky

To no longer be a sophomore

Consumed by a heart that wasn’t hers.