Summer camp

Nostalgia

I love this place

This camp

Third year

With my cousin best friend

And...it feels like school

There are people from school

Which

Even if I like them

Makes me tense up

Bracing for people-balancing

When is it ok to hang out with him

To calm down with him because I can take life slowly with him

And when do I need to spend time with my cousin

And when do I need to spend time with other people

Do I have to branch out?
I feel so awkward

People are expecting things from me

I'm not sure what exactly

Sorry if I'm a disappointment I try to be funny

I try to be likeable

I'm so tired

So many people

And it's happy and fun but I have to be going always

Always on

Always online in life

And I know I should know how to block it out by now

How to stay myself without all

Their

Energies

Seeping

Through

The

Tiny

Cracks

Because I can build a wall around my heart but not around me

And I just don't know how to do that

And I'm searching for why I don't like our new friend

I can't figure it out

She's ok but something feels off to me

I don't know why

She's great I like her

There's just no common interests

I am groping around

Fishing for commonalities where there is nothing

I don't know why I don't feel completely secure in that friendship

Why can't I be quick to trust too?

And then she is always on me

Driving me crazy

Go away

Toxic like poison and I try to place nice

All I ever do is play nice

Would you even know if I was lying?

And I want to just hang back

Chill

Not have to be so extroverted like everyone else with him

But then they pull me back into extrovert-land

Where I do not fit

And I just want to chill and not be moving all the time

And I don't know how to pull him in with me

I need him in here with me

But she wants time with just our trio

The trio I'm not so sure about and I don't know why

So I'm stuck trying to people-balance just like school

And I feel

So out of place

Trying so hard to be liked I lost myself in the process

I'll be anyone they'll like

And it kills me to say that