Thoughts

I lie awake in bed

With my thoughts -

No AC and it's hot and humid.

I open a window.

It doesn't help.

I can feel the ghost of you in my every movement.

The blankets you snuggled into,

Just last night.

The resonant sound of your purr

The way your claws would gently dig into my shoulder and back

Lying on my side, the nook you would rest in

Fall asleep in.

I watch the clock tick to midnight.

Nothing's working.

I try every position,

Smothering my thoughts and then dredging them back up.

I am torturing myself with memories

Because I don't want to call them memories.

Hour after hour

Passes one by one.

Slowly, painfully.

Sleep refuses to come.

I play every song I could possibly think of -

My "sleepy music" doesn't work either,

And music always calms me down.

I lie there and think,

In my bed, alone.

In the darkness we always shared.

Comfort.

I need comfort.

I feel...I feel...

What do I feel?

Wordless

Speechless

For the second time today.

I turn on the radio,

Listen to the noise of people talking.

They feel so far away.

I wanted space

But not like this.

This is misery.

And I'm thinking, 

Will every night be like this?

I can't sleep without you.

Even if you weren't in the room with me, 

Knowing you were there somewhere was enough.

Now you're nowhere I can reach.

Nowhere I can go.

Silent tears fall onto my pillow.

I am hollow.

I used to look forward to bedtime.

PJ's and fuzzy blankets,

Snuggling up and listening to music,

Falling asleep later than ten but not much later.

On the nights I couldn't sleep you'd be there too, and we'd do it 

Together.

I couldn't turn off the light

But once I did I huddled in bed, terrified,

Of what, I don't know.

I lie in bed

And pray for you

Alone, with my thoughts.