unheard, a poem you will never hear.

i sit there
too afraid to speak up 
but too upset to do nothing
i plaster a smile over it
and keep my thoughts in my head
where they continue to eat away at me
i chide myself for thinking what i have to say could ever be of importance
i am silent
i am cowardly
i am nothing. 
the thoughts repeat over 
and over 
in my mind, and i find a twisted kind of comfort in hearing myself slowly kill off whats left of my quavering voice
"if there's no voice to be heard, no one will hear you wrong. or god forbid, hear you right." i think
but
i don't want to be silent
not anymore
i want to speak
without my voice breaking from the fear that i might actually be heard
i want to sing even if you tell me its terrible
i don't care
i really don't 
i will let my words pour out of me
and i will refuse to be silenced just because thats what i was taught
i'm tired
tired of shutting up just so you can hear yourself better
tired of pushing myself down
so you can feel good about helping me up
tired of not being myself
i don't care what you think anymore
i am going to raise my voice
and shout my words to the sky
if you disapprove so be it
i don't need your approval to be myself now
the only person who decides that
is me.