unraveled

i think i've been lying to myself lately. 
i said i wasn't afraid of the future,
of the open doors and chapter beginnings,
yet i stand in the pluvial dusk
and i know my words aren't true.
i know i've hidden my true feelings 
because-
all elephants out of the shoe,
i'm afraid of failure.
i'm afraid of letting myself down,
because although i have low standards
for everyone else,
i have high self-expectations. 
i don't care what others think about me-
what matters is what i think of myself. 
so as i say,
fingers crossed behind my back,
that i'm not scared at all 
about who i'm going to be
as an adult,
and what i'm going to do
to stay alive
and be healthy
and be happy,
i know that beyond those flashy stickers,
i'm lying. 
words that drop with honey are always false.
i didn't have to look at the stars
to figure out the Tower card 
is the only one on the table. 
built on lies 
i've written in invisible ink, 
the Tower will no longer hold 
these secrets, 
and i am 
forced to proclaim to the wide-eyed world:
I AM AFRAID OF THE FUTURE.