Who's To Blame?

      Family is always most important to people. You're raised by them, with them, and for them. They love each other, care for one another, suck up to them when they want something. Family is a gift, something to cherish. The people in it, all they want is to see you shine. It's an unbreakable force. Sure, some families might need some help along the way, a nudge in the right direction here and there, but it trumps all. Until it doesn't. Until it all comes crashing down because of the acts of one person. Family, a supposed "unbreakable force," ruined because she chose a substance over her family, over her own son, her own grandchildren! Blaming others for your own mistakes only leads to used trust and a broken family. 

      Where did it all go wrong? When did this all start? Well, it started before I knew how to speak. When I was born, my mother, M, sat C down for a chat. With a new baby in the house, M wanted her to not do anything in the house, as it could hurt the baby, aka me. And C, as she is, cried profusely at the thoughts M had, which in hindsight should have been in place a lot sooner. She was furious that M would think so little of her as to do that in front of a baby. Well, it still happened. M would come home to the smell of it in the bathroom. My other grandmother, D, would come over after C to inform M of things she saw when she arrived, including inviting guests into the home, without telling M, who also happened to bring a dog with them. I had never been around a dog yet, and as a 10 month old I couldn’t say anything about it. She also nearly fell on top of me while carrying me, most likely while high as a kite, just like always. M was disappointed to say the least, but it only grew worse from there. 

      Tensions are now on the rise. It’s been a couple of years, and other than a few isolated incidents, nothing too noteworthy. Until we had a forced intervention. You see, my aunt, J, had gone down the same path as her mother, and I’m glad M stopped my father, S, from doing the same. One night, S got a call from his niece, my cousin, who said that her mother, J, and C were in a bad fight. Verbal, and, sadly, physical. S bolted out of the house, drove over, and took the younger cousin, L, out of the house, after making sure he knew what was happening though. L was just 3 years old, but already suffering through it all. Let’s just say Mountain Dew in a baby bottle is NOT a good idea. S took him home and we held onto him for a week before allowing him to go back over. Not even an hour later they were fighting again, so we again had to take him back. We didn’t know how long this time, but turns out it would be for the next 7 months. We did everything for that kid: potty trained him, taught him how to not eat like a slob and how to clean up after himself. We taught him rules and manners, consequences when needed, and he really started to chipper up. Our next issue was dental care. Fast food and soda and a toddler is not a good mix. We took him to the dentist, ready to help him out and get him back to normal, but we needed a birth certificate, and we could only get it by asking C. She got defensive, saying we only had him “for the money,” but nothing could be gained as we were not his legal guardians. She demanded him back, and we couldn’t say no, as she was the guardian and we’d be liable for kidnapping. The next incident was the one that really stirred the pot, mostly because of how much it affected M. During the time we had L, the family had a loss. Our great grandmother, GD, passed away. She and her late husband, B, had been the foundations of the family, then just GD, now they were both gone. M loved them both so much, so when she checked the obituary and saw her name missing, she was disheartened. Turns out C had been tasked with writing it, and decided to write S's name, my name, and my sister's name, but completely left out M. You can’t think of S without M, and vice versa. That was the final straw, 10 long years overdue. 

      Try and play the victim, see what happens. C seems to be very good at that. Manipulate the story, but the facts don’t change. Claim you “forgot” or that it never happened, but we all saw it. Blame everyone else, but it will still fall on you. Yeah, you might get a few sorry faces and a bit of sympathy, but seeing how this all has gone unchanged for over 2 decades, the pity mill will run out sooner or later, and we’ll be there, waiting, watching from afar. See who will believe you then, C. 

      You can’t outrun your past, or your family. You just can’t. You can try, and you might succeed for a while, but it’ll always catch up to you, no matter what. We have distanced ourselves from them, setting some boundaries that seem to be working, mostly. My other aunt, AC, has tried to be the new foundation since B and GD’s passings, but she has also tried to be the “peace keeper,” trying to get us all together without knowing the full extent to the story. We all love her, but she’s lost in her delusion of us as a perfect family. Now you might be saying “Come on! Do it for the children's sake!” Well, right now, it is for our sake to be distanced. It is not S and M’s decisions alone, but mine and my sister’s as well. We choose to talk to them or not, and we choose if they have earned our trust back. 

      What I want you to take away from everything is this: take responsibility for your actions and own up to what you did, unless you want your family broken, ruined, and in pain. I want to clarify that this is not a jab at anyone in particular, just setting the facts straight and letting the story be known. Even now I don’t know the full story, just the highlights, if you can even call them that. In some situations, there is a chance to forgive them and make up, so if you can, take it. Keep your people together. Don’t give up, stay strong, and keep moving forward. Don’t let the guilt hold you down, it’s done that for long enough. 

*EDITORS NOTE* As I stated, this is not a direct jab at anyone, though at some points it can seem that way. I tried to anonymize as much as I could, as to not reveal anything/dox myself, but also so you, the reader, can apply and connect this to your own situations or experiences. This essay goes over family betrayal, with some underlying tones about substance abuse and its effects on people and their families. If needed or desired, the comments are opened to all to share their experiences or thoughts on the matter. Have a good day and know that you are capable of getting through it all 🥰😉