Why?

Have you ever felt the weight of an unspoken word?

Because I sure have.

The word “Why” can mean a lot of things…

But for me, it means Why do I feel this way?

Why do I think these things, every damn day?

I am sick and tired of feeling not okay.

And I am drowning in my own mental sea, not being able to come up for air to say the things that I need to say.

People can say things.

People can do things.

People can be things…

But what am I?

I can’t say things without messing up the words.

I can’t do things without feeling guilty and upset.

I can’t be anything except my very own, boring self…

I get so caught up in the little things in life, that I feel so small and so helpless, just like a damn elf on the shelf.

And at least the elf has a purpose in life…

But for me?

My purpose is to plunge deeper and deeper into the icy cold water that separates me from reality.

I'm not living, I'm surviving…

And while I am trying to figure out my own purpose in this harsh world, everyone else seems to be thriving.

I am just now realizing that my silence is just another word for my pain…

The depression is driving me insane.

And one of these days I will reach my limit and I will break.

I will snap.

I will fall.

I will drown.

All of my achievements on my mental wall will be taken down.

Because I am nothing.

I am nobody.

People laugh and point, and I ask “What’s so funny?”

They ignore me as if I am not there.

And again, and again, I continuously fall into the mental sea and I drown…

I need air.

I am falling down into a hole…

People tell me to get up and to walk it off, but let me tell you, it’s real damn hard to climb out of a hole without a rope.

So, I ask myself, “Why”?

Why don’t I have a rope?

And why don’t I have air?

They say they care…

But if they cared, they would give me my rope to climb out, and my oxygen so I can finally breathe and have some air.

So, here I am, asking myself “Why?”

Why is my whole life one big lie?

Why do I feel this way, and why do I want to die?

So many unanswered questions…

And one of them has to do with me;

Why do I feel this way?